A fresh start...(and a post that I need to reread regularly)

...that's what a new year is after all.

I have always enjoyed the beginning of a new year, like going back to school in the fall. "Today is fresh, with no mistakes in it." However, I didn't start the year the way I would've liked to (cleaning, organizing, planning...all round OCD), as I didn't accomplish much in the past week. Instead I have been recuperating from, and here I was going to put New Year's Eve, but I think I've been recuperating (and will continue for awhile) from the past year.

I accomplished a lot in the past year. I also dealt with a lot of things, and nothing of any importance by anyone else's standards, but things inside of me. It has taken me the past week to regain some emotional stability and I'm still working on that...trying to remember to breath (in through the nose, out through the mouth...I know). I know why my emotional stability has deteriorated, and although I refuse to say -never-, I will say...not right now or anytime soon. I have come to realize that I have been trying to live with a mild depression without admitting that that is what it was or what caused it.

So with all the regular resolutions that everyone makes (and I always keep them on my list); get in shape, eat healthy, save money, be good...I have a new one to add...regain control of my life...emotionally. I have never been the -most- emotionally stable person, and I don't have to be. I went through depression in my teens and it reared its ugly head a couple of places here and there, but never for any amount of time. However, remembering as an adult what I felt as a teenager is -not- fun, and I don't want to be here anymore. A friend had recently made a comment about a group of us as 'The OC'...not a flattering comment and I took it to mean everyone else and not me, however...I've been feeling like a 16 year old me and I guess I've also been acting like a 16 year old me.

I have everything going for me...I have a great job, wonderful friends and family, my own place, my own car, I can balance my checkbook and do the laundry and I'm just starting a relationship with a guy that I just adore (added last but it was definitely the first thing I thought of putting down) :) ...and I don't want to lose any of it. On the path I was taking I could have lost it all and, along with it, probably my mind.

My goal for the future is to slowly take back control of my life, so I guess this is what this post is about (took me long enough)...here are, not my resolutions, but what I am striving towards.

I want this relationship to continue. I look forward to learning about one another while having fun and sharing in each other's lives...remembering that we are two separate people and not to be consumed with him. I will be honest with him and trust him with my heart. I will not give up my life to become part of his, but will live my life with him as a part of it. I will try and remember to breath if I get too needy and expect the moon. And I will remember that he is another person, with his own life and not to make everything about me. And lastly...I do not need to spend every minute with him, or talk to him every second, seeking constant reassurance. He likes me...if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, now would he?

I want to improve my career. Two years ago I started on this path and it clicked. This is what I am meant to be doing. I am good at it, it is rewarding financially and I will continue to strive. I have the next 10 months to finish this course and pass. And I will do it. I will take the time this year, putting aside my social life and laziness when I have to, and get the job done. I do not need to take the whole 10 months, but I will take the time I need. And when I am finished this course there is a second that I wil take and I will pass. This will give me a stronger foundation for my career and make me better skilled for what I do.

I will keep an eye on my spending habits. I do -not- need to spend every last penny in my wallet, bank account or credit card. I do -not- need to have everything I want. And I do -not- need to shop when I am emotionally unstable. I also don't need to waste $10 a day taking a cab to work...and this doesn't get a whole paragraph...I just have to get up earlier. I will remember to save for my current future, the near future, and the future of which I can only dream. I will treat myself, because I deserve to be treated, but I don't need to be spoiled everyday.

I will improve my physical self. Nothing hardcore, but I will stay active. I will play ultimate frisby, I will take up rock-climbing and by the end of the year I -will- take a ballet class. I will walk more and get more fresh air. I will eat healthier...making an effort to actually buy groceries, stick to a budget and make my own meals. I will not drink for the sake of drinking. I will continue my voice lessons and I will take the time required to learn new material as well as improve old material. However, I do not see this as the year where I will make this part of my career life. I need the arts to keep me balanced, they are a large part of who I am and I will not lose them, but I am only human and I know I can't do everything. I will remember to drink milk, and eat fruit and vegetables. Water couldn't hurt either. I will also make a concerted effort to take the time to wash up before bed. And I will remember what brought me to emotional unstability.

I will remember that there are other people in my life and not just me. I will ask how others are before rambling on about myself. I will listen when others speak and think about what they are saying instead of waiting for my chance to say what I have to say. If I make plans with someone I will -not- break them or disrespect them by not making the effort. I will continue to tell those that I care about that I love them, because I do, and it's a wonderful thing to have with someone. I will remember to smile, because it goes so much further than I realize. And I will remember that when I feel as though my life is crumbling around me...that other people also have problems and they might need me more than I need them.

I will take pride in the things I have and take care of them and not only my physical things...this includes the people in my life, and everything about myself.

I will go to church more often. I know that I won't go every weekend, but it is something that is important to me. It brings me peace and balance, and helps me to find my way back to who I am.

I will go on at least one major trip this year.

Okay, this was as long as I thought it might be...and it seems like a lot. I know that I will not be able to do everything immediately. I will just take the time to think, to remember, to try and I will not beat myself up if I slip. As much as I have gained, I also fell this year and was lucky to have many parachutes that were released and kept me from hitting the ground too hard. Life is a journey and I want to enjoy the journey but I will also improve myself along the way.

Just a side-note. I am GOOD this morning. I was -very- NOT good last night. I published a post and deleted it this morning. I haven't even gone back to re-read it (but I have saved it)...because I KNOW it is not who I am...it is only a part of me...and as much as it is a part of me, it doesn't have to be.

So to start with a couple of little things, I am off to Church for noon, I will walk there and back, I will get groceries and my car washed this afternoon and then if there is time I will clean the bathroom and maybe a little of the closet. Then I'm off to drinks with my friends and I will not be upset if my boyfriend does not join me. I will go to bed at a reasonable hour and even if I don't, I -will- get up at a reasonable hour in the morning.