Control or lack thereof

It’s amazing how much of my emotional sanity rests on my interactions with others. How much I allow the expected responses of those around me to dictate what I do or how I act. Will they be angry, unhappy, hurt, pleased, unimpressed, proud, skeptical. Will they like me?

And by giving this power to these other people and their unknown reactions I give the control over to some, to quote Shakespeare, “as thin a substance as the air, and more inconstant than the wind”. That is how Shakespeare described a dream, and that is what I use to govern my balance and my world…my expectation of others.

Perhaps I need to rely on others less and myself more. I need not look to others for what I should do or how I should act and instead look inside myself for who I am, for my own truth, and trust what I find there.

How do I love me?

When do I become comfortable with who I am? What do I need to do? What do I need to experience? Will I ever be comfortable or will I just keep pushing it away? Pushing me away? Putting me away?

I lie here in the dark alone, afraid to really asks these questions of myself. I make light of myself in the light. I take the easy road, I make jokes, I make excuses. I escape. I’m afraid. I don’t like this part of me, not really, not deep down inside.

Inside, I think it’s wrong. I think it’s dirty, slutty, wrong. And so as I continue to feel dirty, slutty, wrong, I continue to play that role and hate that part of myself.

If I can’t love all of me, then I don’t love me. And I want to love me. I want to love this and every part of me, and be strong for me, and stand up for me. Because I deserve that love. I deserve me. I’m good enough for me and I’m totally worth it!