40 Days & 40 Nights

Have you ever given something up? Not because you had to, but because you wanted to see if you could? Beginning last year, I began biving something up for Lent, not because I have to, as I know many Christians & Catholics who don't, my family never observed this event. I have began to do it because I want to.

Each year I have given something up and in doing so I have learnt something about myself. So although the event is instigated by religion, the journey itself and the purpose of it is all personal.
I read an interesting article yesterday that spoke of how giving up something for Lent can be very negative, because by denying ourselves something we want, we are eventually doomed to fail, and therefore will feel badly about ourselves. I think this is a very pessimistic view of things. Each year I gave up a very difficult want in my life, and each year I have stayed true to myself. The only person I am testing is myself, and if I stumble...it is my own responsibility to keep to the path afterwards, that often being more difficult, getting back on track, than not stumbling at all.

I am very proud of myself, finding out that I do have a very strong will and can keep my path when I choose to do something. What it has made me realize, on top of other things, is that if there is something that I do not seem to be able to do, it is probably because I don't want to do it and for whatever reason I am choosing not to do it. I have no one to blame for my lack of something but myself. Because I -am- strong, I -can- do. When I put my mind to a very strong idea, I will endure.

Each year I have learnt something new about myself, something I already knew in my heart, but something I needed to learn in my head.

I believe that everyone should test themselves in some way. Only you know how far you can be pushed...so push yourself.

In "Firestarter" Stephen King wrote "the mind is a muscle that can move the world". This phrase hit me as very important 16 years ago and it still sits with me as strongly now as it did then. We have much power and control in our lives. Too many of us act like passengers in the car that we should be driving.

Babblehead not bobblehead

Well, I went to start going through my sent email to find a blog topic to babble about before I leave the office for the day. Sometimes I'll be writing a long-winded email and think to myself, "...this would make an AWESOME blog topic..." and I very seldom manage to remember it or ever get back to it (because I always seem to have something marvellous and wonderful to blog about...gag). However, this afternoon at the office I -really- wanted to blog, but with how busy I've been and how scattered my mind has been I don't really have a focus of topic to write about.

Then I realized, before even opening a single sent email, that I could just blog about all the chaos right now...lol. And it's not really -all- that choatic, it just seems like there's a lot going on these days.

This week at the office has been overly busy. I work for 4 brokers and one of them, my main one F is out of the office. He is my biggest producing broker, and also the one who comes first, so when he is in, all of my other broker's stuff comes second, and they know it. So when he's out of town I get -much- busier, and not from making up for his not being here, but because I find the other brokers take the opportunity to get some more of their stuff done. So I've been a little swamped. Not burried, but busy enough to make it difficult for me to remember what I just did and what I'm about to do. Heck sometimes I can't even remember what it is I'm working on...no I'm not a scatterbrain...just a little scatterbrained.

Then socially I've been quite busy. I was out every night last week (I think...see this would fall into the category of something I just did) ;) But being out every night keeps you from doing things like dishes and tidying. I do -always- manage to do laundry, but that's because I'm completetly and utterly anal-retentive about laundry...I ONLY do laundry on Mondays. Well, that's a bit of a lie, because I have, on occassion, made exceptions to this rule, but it's very seldom that I do. I guess I'm funny that way...some people are completely anal-retentive and organized and others are completely scatterbrained and messy. I like a little of both. I like everything to line up and be even, but I don't mind things being untidy, I try to -always- do laundry on the same night of the week, the exact same routine, but I do other things, like dishes in a completely random way. This is one of those wonderful things about being me...and the person who will sweep me off my feet will love this about me...this I've decided! ;)

So after all of this social and business business...I'm moving. Now, I'm not moving until the end of April and I have the whole month of April to move...but there's a lot to do and I AM anal-retentive about moving. I have to be completely finished right away. No lingering moving stuff. Yuck! I have to do it that way, otherwise I'll never finish...I know me well enough to know that I have to force myself to finish what has been started, no lollygagging about, because the minute the car jumps the trax...that's it...there's no getting back on. So April is going to be dedicated to packing, and I take my time with this, I'd rather pack slowly in order to unpack quickly and efficiently. I will also be painting and decorating the apartment, as well as slowly moving the packed items over. I might also use some of this time for furniture building...and staining (if I get the table and chair set that I want). So lots and lots of busy stuff.

AND in the month of April I have some friends from Ottawa M & G...who and they'll read it here first...actually, since I'll be home in Ottawa this weekend I might tell them first...who want me to join them in NYC in April. And YAY...love NYC...but boo! it will cost money (that is otherwise being spent on moving and furniture and etc.) and time (that is otherwise being spent on the apartment as well)...not to mention that I haven't begun filing my taxes...this week I swear...and I could be paying as much as $2,000 this year...I know I messed up...get over it. So this NYC trip in April is looking less and less possible...could I do it...yes...will it end up stressing me out...probably...

So see...no wonder I haven't blogged much...my little brain is just so full (actually that doesn't seem like a lot...but it is and there's more)...but I can't get it all out. There's an information traffic jam and it's started pushing back into my brain and I'm on system overload, but Homer Simpson has his feet up and is eating powdered jelly donuts as he talks with Lenny and Carl, and he's not stopping the blockage...and it's gonna blow!!!! This is actually the mental imagine I have of my friend R's job, because he's a nucular (I know) engineer and deals with nucular (yes...I know) waste management. And I wish he'd do a better job in my brain ;)

Okay, now I sound crazy...but of course I do...it's 10 minutes to quitting time at the office on the Thursday before the long Easter weekend and almost everyone has already left the office but I stuck around an extra 15 minutes just to finish this darn silly blog when I've got a ton of things to do before I hit the road this evening to drive home to Ottawa. I want to be in my car in 40 minutes, but I have to take the subway, do the dishes, feed the cat, find my tax papers, remember my cell phone charger, change my clothes and pee...did I forget something...oh yeah...and put some music together for my listening pleasure, then hit the road, pick up my driving companion at the office, drive him home, pick up -his- cellphone charger...and HOPEFULLY be on the road by 6pm...Yeah! Right! ;) I have a dream! I SHO do!

Okay...I'm sure I will forget something (or I already have)...but I...AM....OUTTA HERE!

Luv ya

Spring is in the air...

March 20 was the first day of Spring. I have two new Spring coats and promised myself that I would start wearing them as soon as the weather showed any sign of warmth. Gotta get my money's worth...plus I LOVE the jackets and can't wait to wear them.

Yesterday, the forecast was for a high of +3, and it looked -gorgeous- from my apartment window. So I threw on the new pink coat and bounced out into the street. Well, not only was it still cold, it was wet rain snowing...poo! And even though I was fighting a cold, it didn't matter, I was going to wear that new coat. Because how cute was I? ;) And I was REALLY cute...loves it!

So this morning, lying in bed, listening to the weather forecast, when they said it would be +5 today, well I practically hopped out of bed (no I didn't, I am still fighting that cold) and knew that I'd be sporting my gorgeous blue coat today (with a pashmina scarf to cover my throat and neck and chest...you know that darn cold)...but it looks real cute and so did I...so out in the street did I bounce again this morning.

I stopped at my morning store to pick up a banana. The gentleman charges $0.50 a banana, which is way more than if I bought my bananas each week at the grocery store, but this way I always get a fresh banana, no over-ripe ones that have been sitting on my counter all week. Plus, every couple of days he waves my two quarters away and I get my banana free, I figure it all balances out. And some days I buy some juice, or a bagel as well. I love this world of the small business owner, if he wants to give my my (overpriced) banana free (because he thinks I'm cute...lol) once in a while, he can. ;) So I pop in today again for my banana and today he waves away my change. I smile and thank him. He then tells me he likes my new coat (the blue one) and I blush and thank him again, in a bit of a flirty way (even though I'm not interested...but the guy is making an effort...so he deserves a good flirt). Then just as I'm picking up the Metro (free morning paper), that he keeps a pile of on one of the tables in the store, he says he really liked my coat yesterday (the pink one)...and I repeat the smiley, flirty, blushy thank you. And then I bounce right out of the store.

Why am I moving? I know the building sucks, the elevator sucks, the apartment is too small, there is no balcony, it is too warm all year, I can smell everything from all the other apartments including the drugs, and it's just a bad place to live...but I have my wonderful little morning banana man ritual...and I'm REALLY going to miss things like this. I'm going to miss the neighbourhood, and my local video store (where I have a major crush on one of the employees), and all the colour in my neighbourhood, and the Pizza Pizza on the corner at 3am on a Friday...AND wwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I don't want to move...I really don't want to move. I don't want to leave my neighbourhood.

Why don't I stay? Because I cannot justify spending easily $200 more than what I'm paying at my new place, for what I have at my new place. Can I afford it? Yes...but $200 a month? That's $2,400 a year...that's a vacation, a downpayment on a car, RRSP contribution for my eventual Home Buyers plan withdrawal, part of my godson's education fund, more Spring jackets. That money is worth so much more doing other things than the luxury of my overpriced morning banana from the flirty little local small business owner.

And yet...I've considered it...

Preachy...

First off…I know I’ve posted these three blogs all within minutes of each other…but they were written one each night…I just haven’t had time to post them

…anyways…

Secondly...Wow…my blogs are getting kinda preachy these days and they’re really not intended to be. It’s just where my head is at…but not so much for other people…mainly for myself…however, I’m trying not to seem really self-involved so I make my topics refer to a broader audience…lol…which in turn is making everything appear holier than though…NOT my intention.

If you can’t say anything nice…

…don’t say anything at all.

It sounds so cliché, something our mothers once told us. But there was a reason why our mothers used this phrase and other similar things, because they are good things to live by. Most clichés that are overused are done so for a reason, because there’s a real message there.

To be honest, I think that we should consider these phrases more important than mere clichés and make them popular again.

Saying something mean or cruel, is just that mean and cruel. Even if the person doesn’t here it directly, words can hurt. They may hear the comment repeated by someone else, they might actually hear you, or you can affect someone else’s judgement of that person unfairly.

There have been a number of occasions where some cutting down of another person or people was going on, and I always join the bandwagon, heck, sometimes I even start the engine myself. It’s an easy laugh, people will join in with me, it gives us something to enjoy together. And it’s mean. Here is a perfect example of choice. Just because I haven’t thought about what I’m saying, doesn’t mean I haven’t made a choice. I have chosen to say something mean or nasty about another person. We need to really think about things we say before we say them, I definitely do.

As a people…all people…need to be less selfish, while still being self-aware, we must be aware of others around us. Taking other people into consideration. Consider the cliché “Treat others the way you would like to be treated”. You wouldn’t want someone cutting you down, making fun of you, even someone you don’t know, so don’t do it to someone else. Because remember… “What goes around, comes around” ;)

The more people become aware of how their choices and actions affect others, the better things can become.

And remember…thank your mother for the wisdom she imparted to you. She said stuff like this for a reason.

In the thick of it...

...I like to stick my nose in, I like to get involved, get right into the middle of things, in the thick of it. However, slowly but surely, I am learning that a) I don’t need to be there and b) my being there can actually make things worse.

I still have trouble with it though.

As insecure as I am, I have great confidence in my ability to repair all things relationship. So when I see problems I feel the need to jump right in and either give my opinion or better yet, get directly involved.

I am the middle-man who helped to pass the notes in class between two individuals. But my help never really made anything any better, it mostly managed to get 3 people sent to detention. Then there were two people mad at me for getting them into trouble when it was them who were passing the notes in the first place…I’m just guilty of aiding and abetting.

So these days when I feel like getting involved I think twice, three times, four times, until I’ve thought too hard about doing anything at all and then worry that I should have done something from the beginning. What if information that I have could have changed things, could have made things better? Should I tell what I know, it’s not a secret, but when does it become getting involved and when is it just being a good friend and when…?

Basically I wish people could communicate better…and when it’s me in the relationship I wish I could communicate better…I mean, there are a million things in my own relationships that I wish I could say, and believe it or not, even I bite my tongue sometimes. (my tongue is very sore right now)

Whose responsiblity?

I am slowly learning about responsibility. I feel that people need to take more responsibility for their actions. Do I practice what I preach? No, not all the time, but this is one of the things I am trying to learn to do.

We are constantly faced with choices. If we do nothing, that is also considered a choice. If we are unhappy with things, we need to start at the beginning, start with ourselves and take responsibility for the choices we have made. How much of the situation is due to a choice we made, by doing or by not doing something? I am not saying that we are solely reponsible for everthing but we have to realize that this is our life and the choices we make affect how we live this life.

I recently had a friend talk to me about choices. What I realize is that I have a lot more power and control because of these choices. In order to take that power and that control, I have to accept the responsiblity of my actions and the outcome of choices that I make.

Most people, myself included, do not accept that we have as many choices as we do, this helps us avoid taking responsibility, but then we have lost the power and control that many of us long for.
Our choices are endless. What we choose to do, or not do do. What we chose to say or not to say. Our reactions to events. How we chose to deal with the outcome of events. If we choose to do something that someone esle doesn't like, approve of, or accept, we have to take responsibility and acknowledge that it was our choice.

I need to take charge of my own life and accept taht I am making my own choices and understand that I play a role in my own destiny, because I have made those choices. If I don't like something in my life, it is my responsibility to do something about it and make some decisions, take action. I fI chose to do nothing, then I have chosen to life with what I do not like in my life. I have to take responsibility and understand that I have chosen not to change things. Then I have to live with it. I have power but I chose not to use it. It is no one's fault but my own.
At the end of the day, your life is your own choice and your own responsibility. You must play the cards that you have been dealt, but how you play them becomes important.

In Texas Hold'em (poker), there is an aspect of the game that is based on luck, and percentages...you get dealt your hand...over this, you have no cnotrol. Just as in life there are things that you cannot change...circumstances that are out of your control.

When you look at those cards, you need to make choices; Do you fold and wait for a better hand? Do you check, wait without doing anything? Do you call, and take the risk? Do you raise, believing that you have a good chance of winning? Do you go all in, betting it all, knowing that you can win? Do you bluff, trusting your own instinct? Do you pay to see the flop, take the risk at more variables over which you have no more control than the cards in your hand, supposing you might have a chance?

The guy next to you might appear to have a better hand, but that is his hand, not yours. You have no control over what cards are in his hand, you have very little control over what he choses to do. Your actions may persuade him to make different choices. However, when it comes down to it, in the end, his hand, that's his choice. You need to worry about your choices, about the cards you have and how you are going to deal with them. You are both working with the same common denomenator, over which neither of you has any control. What has occured in the past can help you to make current choices. However, you must each make your decision and then take responsibility for the outcome based on that choice.

Life isn't tournament style, as there is never just one winner, but it is definitely no limit. There are days when you can't even afford to play. There are days when you keep loosing but you can afford to keep playing. There are days when you are almost broke, but you keep getting the right cards and can continue.

My strongest days and most rewarding moments are those when I am not dealt the greatest cards, and my luck does not seem that great, but I make the right choices. I fold when I need to, and seldom bluff. I may still lose, but I made the right choice for myself, and I learn, so that I can come back and try again.

You might not always like the end result, but you must always be aware that you made choices to get you to that point. Do not try to control other people's choices, instead, take responsibility for the strength you have, the power you hold and the way you use them both with the choices you make.

Charlie

(Nerds www.donttouchthefeet.blogspot.com ...thank you for making me think about this…)

I was so emotionally exhausted. It was 3:15pm on Tuesday afternoon, a couple of weeks before my twelfth birthday (was I really that young?). I walked towards the bus stop. I’m not sure how I knew where to go, not having thought things through ahead of time, but I guess I had figured it out at some point during the day.

It was the end of my first day of Grade 7. I don’t remember much about that day. I do remember that although I had felt good about the way I was dressed when I left the house that morning (a little nervous but good), I felt really out of place when I left the school that afternoon. Plaid really wasn’t the way to go.

Changing schools from suburbia to downtown for Grade 7 was a bit of a shock to the system. These kids, all of them, were cool. Street smart, teen movie, after school special cool. But like the movies & tv, some of them seemed years over. I mean some of the girls even had boobs! Real boobs! These were girls my age and I wanted to be just like them when I grew up.

I was in love with the school. Everything had more texture, more colour and was more vibrant than my earth-toned-colour-themed existence growing up in the burbs.

I was heading to dance class. Something familiar, people I knew. I didn’t want to be late for class. I was waiting with other people at the bus stop, but I wasn’t really paying much attention. The bus pulled up. It was the right bus, but it didn’t really matter, they all went where I needed them to get me.

Then I saw him.

He must have come from my school. I didn’t recognize him from any of my classes, but he must be about my age. There were 4 other Grade 7 classes right. He could be in one of those.

I got on the bus and sat down at the back. He sat right in the middle at the back. I was sitting close enough to study him. He pulled out a book and started reading. It was one of those thick fantasy novels. He was my height, with short dark hair and just the cutest face in the world.

I watched him, I studied him, was enthralled by him. Who is he? Where is he going? How can I see him again? Please let him go to my school.

We hadn’t gone very far when he looked up from his book, looked right at me and asked, “Does this bus go to the Rideau Centre?”

YES…yes it did. Two out of the three buses that went to that stop ended at the Rideau Centre, but this was the fastest route, and it ran more often. But I couldn’t tell him all of that; that I knew each schedule by heart; that I prided myself on having every piece of worthless information possible on something that I might require in the future; that I was a pack rat of senseless information.

So I just looked at him and smiled all goofy, “yes….it does” I squeaked in a barely audible voice.

He smiled at me in that cool way boys do. All relaxed and non-challant, not in a thank-you-so-much kinda way as in a confident you-just-confirmed-what-I-already-knew kinda way. He almost seemed to say thank you with his eyes, betraying his confidence, but then he dropped his head, his slightly too long bangs falling forward as he went back to reading.

I was mesmerized. He had seen me, spoken to me and smiled at me.

I had one of the best dance classes that afternoon.

This little girl still has a crush on that boy and probably always will. Once in a while I think to myself, “I wonder what he’s doing these days?”.

I hope that you’re well.

I see your face in my mind like it was yesterday. Since then I have always fallen for boys like you. Charlie….you’re my zsa zsa zsu.

The Message

So I manage to sleep soundly through what would have been a fairly loud notification that I received a message…with a loud voice and vibrating and such, the cell phone right next to my head. No recollection what so ever that it had been received. Then at bizarre intervals the phone would beep. I have a memory of hearing it beep at least once and registering what was making the beeping noise, but being so fast asleep it didn’t matter. Then at 4am, realizing that my phone had beeped at me again, and I guess not being in a deep enough slumber any more, I woke up to investigate the situation.

Aha…a text, well I had better check it out. Hmmm…received at midnight, which means I’ve slept through 4 hours of beeping…I wonder how often my phone had been beeping? Why didn’t I wake up before this? What made me wake up this time and for such an inconsequential beep, as compared to the noise it would have made when the text was received. Uh oh…now I’ve gone and done it. It’s happened.

I have let my brain ask one too many questions and now it’s functioning. It thinks that it’s time to wake up. It’s ticking away at full morning mode, but it’s only 4:30am. Where my roll-over-and-go-back-to-sleep switch? Nowhere to be found. Well might as well get up to pee now. Nothing worse than trying to fall asleep, or stay asleep when you have to go.

Much better.

Hmmmmm? Brain still clocking.

Is it too hot in here? Turn on the fan.

Brain thinking, maybe we should answer the text. That’s the polite thing to do right? NO…not at 4:30am silly. That would be an extremely rude thing to do…oh, but so many witty replies in my head…so many ideas. Okay, then type a couple up and save them and send one later.

Hmmmm? Not so witty as they seemed in my head. Leave it alone.

Yawn.

Tummy feels uneasy. Does it hurt or is it hungry?

Maybe some water. I’m felling a little dehydrated anyways. Back to bed. Nope, tummy still feeling strange. Not sore, just weird. What did I eat last night? It was a weird mix of food, that might be it.

Are you even going to attempt to fall asleep? You know you’re going to be pooped tomorrow. No? You’re wide awake, why bother right? Maybe you’re not as awake as you think you are.

Uh oh…5am now.

See now, grabbing the pen and paper wasn’t such a good idea, not only hasn’t it shut the talking head up, it’s given it a life of it’s own, lying here in the dark, scribbling away.

Hey, how all over the paper is this going to be? How well can I write in the dark? Cool, let’s check it out.

NO, No, no…no light…come on.

You HAVE to go back to sleep. You won’t be able to function. We have an hour and a half until the alarm, and then a half hour of snooze button comedy. If you stay up what are you going to do for the next two hours?

Shower? Now? Are you crazy?

Sleep, please sleep. We’ll even reset the alarm for 7am. No snoozing just a solid extra uninterrupted hour of sleep.

But we’re not tired.

Yes you are. You only think you’re not tired. Stop writing, shut your darn eyes and try, you’ll see.

But it’s so hot, and…does it smell funny in here to you?

No, now you’re imagining things.

See what the sleep depravation is doing to you? You’re really not tired are you?

Okay, it will be meditation time or at least the attempt at it. At least it’s relaxing, maybe even a little restful, like sleep.

But why waste that time when we’re already awake?

Sleep, sleep, please sleep. This is going to get painful at some point during the day and you’re going to kick yourself, you know you will.

Okay, put the pen down and get your kinks out and try to sleep. If the clock his 5:30 cry out in sheer frustration and then get in the bloody shower. If not, enjoy your sleep and watch me do the I-told-you-so dance in your dreams.

You can do it, you know you want to. And don’t stay away just to prove that you’re right, that you CAN’T sleep. You’re only hurting yourself

Okay, I’ll try…but I still feel weird…maybe it wasn’t the phone that woke me up, maybe it WAS the tummy.

Shut up, please?

Okay, I’m shutting; I’m shutting, but let’s shut up together and make this work…okay?

S’okay

Alright?

S’alright.

Good night…
Good morning… ;)

Problem solving...

Do you ever have thoughts that pop into your head that you don’t want to think about? Thoughts you would never share with anyone, not necessarily cruel or hurtful, just things you don’t want to think about. You’re aware that you’re having the thought, and you’re aware that you don’t want to have the thought, so you think to yourself “I don’t want to think about this any more”, so you don’t think about it any more.

My worst moment in recent history was when I was trying to fall asleep and every thought that popped into my head was one of those thoughts. Every time I’d manage to “not think about this any more”, another awful thought would just pop up in it’s place, like a demon whose head grows back every time you cut if off. And I tried to solve the problem by thinking of good things (these are a few of my favourite things), but a mind can play dirty tricks on itself and all of those happy thoughts were then warped into unhappy thoughts that I didn’t want to have about the happy thought.

The mind is a marvelous thing

I was lucky that day and had a very good friend with me who held on tight and although was not able to chase away those demons, he was strong and was there as I faced each one, until I couldn’t face them anymore and still he held on. He told me that I was probably causing half of the problem myself, making it worse for myself, and although he was right, the information was not able to fix the problem…probably because I didn’t want to fix the problem.

Half the problems we have are problems that we ourselves have helped to create. I might learn something new from every new problem I face, but I’ll never really learn the important lesson until I stop creating problems, or making current situations worse.

What reason would a person have to create a problem, or to make an existing situation worse? Do we get joy from this? No, we get joy and pleasure from fixing the issue, resolving the problem. So the harder the problem is, the better we feel about ourselves when, not only do we come out the other side, but we also helped to break through the problem ourselves, the more difficult becomes the more rewarding. We all know ourselves well enough to know how much we can handle, what we can solve. Sometimes we need to test ourselves…and see how much further we can go. Troubles arise when our eyes are too big for our stomachs and we bite off more than we can chew. We set ourselves up and then we flounder and sometimes fail.

Some people never even try, for fear of failure; you can’t miss any of the shots that you never take. Some people bite off more than they can chew on purpose. Maybe they enjoy failure, or they are stuck in a pattern of failure and don’t know the rewards of fixing something that’s broken.

However, I believe that most people, like myself, do a mixture of all of these. We’re afraid to fail sometimes, so we don’t even bother to try, we expect to fail, and we make a situation so bad that it’s not worth trying. Sometimes we set ourselves up expecting to fail, knowing we need to be pushed…we need to know the stove is hot and that unless it is an extreme situation, we won’t learn the lesson. Or we need a great reward, and we set up a huge catastrophe that we know we can fix and we’re the ones to save the day.

But the most perfect moments come, when a problem arises and we have done nothing to cause, hinder or make the situation worse. We then got involved and from the get-go improved things, and we don’t make it worse and we took the chance, until we ourselves solved the problem.
But all the other moments…all the other problems…everything we’ve caused and dealt with, these have all helped us to be able to deal with the perfect moments and make them those moments. And, after failure, success is that much sweeter.

My afternoon of pain and upset was caused by me and my own mind. But there was a lesson that I was teaching myself. The lesson took awhile to learn, and I haven't learnt all of it yet, but although at the end I felt that I failed...I have won and am continuing to win.

So here’s the apartment update…

Last week I mentioned this place that I was going to go look at and how excited I was about it. Well not so much. I drove past it and after seeing the building itself and the location, I knew that there was no way I would be moving there. The building was questionable and kitty corner to one of the less than classy joints in town, Filmore’s (lots of fun to visit, but not so much fun to stay).

But all that apartment thinking had finally sunk into my brain. The wheels and cogs were turning and now there was no shutting them off. With my mother & sister in town the topic was thoroughly discussed. Saturday morning at breakfast we bought the paper and started perusing the rental ads.

After mom and sis left for the day I started looking in earnest and then began booking appointments to see some places that afternoon. I saw a beautiful condo right in the downtown core and of course fell in love with it, I mean it had -all- the bonuses; 24hr concierge, in unit washer/dryer, gym, sauna, rooftop patio, plus the promise of young single professionals in the building.

However, looking at the whole cost, although I could probably afford it, it would mean giving up some luxuries, like eating. But what a great diet that would make, right?

After that I looked at a two bedroom in a basement, a tiny one bedroom on the third floor and a bizarrely small bachelor in a townhouse condo community. I had saved the one that interested me the most, but lacked one key component, for the last. It had everything I wanted, well, almost. It is in a building, it has a balcony, a great view, more space than I have now, all new appliances, redone kitchen and bathroom and floors, and it is almost twice the size of my current apartment. How could I complain? I could because it is out of my bubble, it’s almost twice the distance to work.

So I went to see it. It really is everything that I want. It’s what I have now, plus a bedroom and a balcony. The view is spectacular, it’s on the twelfth floor and faces due South, overlooking lake Ontario. On a clear day I should be able to see right across to my grandfather’s in St. Catharines.

Presently the apartment itself is in shambles, the kitchen and the bathroom ripped out, save for the tub. But I have seen an apartment in the completed stage and it looks great.

So yes, this place will have everything I want. It’s not in the best part of the city but not the worst either. It has it’s charms and I’m looking forward to it.

I have already had my deposit cheque certified. I will be going over on Saturday morning to sign the lease and hand over my deposit.

I have spoken with one of the superintendents and she has agreed to allow me to come in and paint a couple of weeks prior to my move in date, as well as begin to move in some boxes and such. These are both huge bonuses for me because I prefer the slow two week move in. I like to take my time and not feel rushed.

It’s two months away until I’ll be settled and I have so much to do in that time, but I am very excited. First things first, is to measure everything when I go back on Saturday. That way I can start designing. Hopefully I will be here for a long time, and the next moving story I tell, it will be when I’m buying.

Now, on a completely different note…I absolutely love this pen. I bought it at the discount store across the street, and well…it’s pretty darn awesome. I know, it’s a silly thing to be happy about, but I like a good writing tool, nothing like a freshly sharpened 2HB pencil, or a brand new box of Crayola crayons. Yes, this pen is that good, it gently glides almost sensually across the page.

Okay…enough…g’night.

Risk VS Reward

(Side note* I wrote this following post in bed last night...this morning I took my first market risk and bought some stock…a very high risk stock…and have used the majority of my savings to do so. Now the stock has to rise at least $0.40 from the price I paid…simply to cover the commissions I’ve paid (and yes…I bought near the high of the day, so it’s already dropped $0.08)…I’m already feeling nauseous…sorta like when in a relationship)

I read something this evening while studying my financial course. It said that the pain of losing something is twice that of the please of acquiring the same thing. The statement was of course referring to financial investing, however, I think the statement can be applied to investing in relationships as well.

When entering into a relationship we have to gage how much risk we are willing to assume. If I put everything out there, I risk losing everything. Is it worth the risk? Can I afford to let myself get hurt for a chance at happiness?

I remember telling a friend recently, when I was ecstatically happy, to remind me of how happy I was if ever anything occurred where I was not happy. She obligingly did. When you lose that thing that makes you feel happy, you not only feel like you’ve lost everything and are at 0.00, you feel like you’ve gone negative…equal to the positive that you felt, which explains the twice as bad as the good you felt.

Is it worth it? I believe it is. I believe the saying that it is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. I will happily go to my grave knowing I always put myself out there. I will never turn away or be afraid of losing. You cannot gain anything if you don’t take that chance, take that risk.

In finance the more wealth you have, the more risk you will likely be able to accept. In love, I believe I am one of the wealthiest people in the world, and therefore I can afford to take all the risks in the world. Every time I have lost what I was seeking, I have had all the love in my heart there, waiting for the next chance.

As you assume risk and lose, you also have the ability to gain, to gain knowledge and understanding. Each time you take on more risk, you do so with a more educated view. You are able to see things more clearly (I can see clearly now…), therefore being smarter about the risk, and using this knowledge to lessen the risk.

As long as I can continue to learn about others, and myself, I can continue to put myself out there.

I am not perfect, far from it. But I am learning to understand my imperfections, and more importantly, I am learning to accept them as well as love myself despite of them. This is what I seek from others. I do not wish to be loved for what I have, but for who am I as well as what I lack, to be loved, not only despite my imperfections…but because of them. If you love a person’s negatives, then you can truly spend the rest of your life with that person, because nothing they can do can upset you. In any bad situation you will look up on them with love and understand them, and then love them even more. It is the way to get through this life. It is your unconditional love for your fellow man.

Every dark cloud does have a silver lining. There is -always- something to be glad about. If you can always find the bad in any situation, then you should equally be able to find the good. And if when you find the bad, you see the good, nothing can ever set you back.

Keep loving, keep smiling and keep learning and growing. Give to others the love and understanding that you want in return and you will get it.

Take a moment each day to be thankful for those that love you. The power of love is immeasurable. I do believe that love does make the world go around.

Good-bye blue skies

Well, with my mother and sister in tow…I went to Jacob on Sunday afternoon. The lovely blue jacket that I had bought and stressed over, had a loose button. If I’m going to fork out any kind of cash for something nice and decent I want it in good shape to start with, because goodness knows it won’t last all that long in my care. So I was going to exchange it for a new one.

My sister was already angry with me, as I did not include her on my fashion jury email. Her opinion was if you like the green get the green. And why not try on the pink. I explained the overdose of pink in my wardrobe and she said…SO? If you like it and it looks good on you then you should buy it.

So we get to the store and now Mom and Sis want their opinions heard and want to see everything on. We try on the blue again. The blue was much lighter in colour than I had originally thought. When I tried it on in the store the lighting was very warm. However, at home under natural light it was a very pale blue, which seemed to wash me out. At the store we then tried on the green. It was a stronger colour than the blue. Mom and Sis agreed that this was much better. Then my sister came back with the pink coat in hand. I told her I wasn’t going to try it on because then I’d want it. My sister does not take no for an answer and sure enough with the pink jacket on, I felt gorgeous. Mom and Sis said this is the one I should get, and then the salesgirl came up and said, the pink brings out the rosy in your cheeks. Well….sold!

I am no the proud owner of a lovely pink jacket (yay). And to celebrate my happiness I bought a cute off-white hat and purse to go with it. Loves it!

So, just as in -everything- else that I do…I ask for advice and opinion of others and try to follow their suggestions and choices but in the end I do whatever the heck I want.

But I did learn a great thing about shopping this week…Take Your Time. I am a rush purchaser…and you don’t need to be. I need to spend more time looking, thinking and trying on. Then look, think, and try on again. If I’m going to properly invest in clothes, these are things that I need to do.