Saturday should not be wasted...

...so what to do today? I awoke early (see the first post of the day below)...and posted. So far I've done something constructive. But now it's 10:30, I had thought about going out to breakfast, however...I have bacon and eggs in the fridge (the eggs, which should be eaten soon), but it's so much work. So if I start now I won't be done for awhile, and I still haven't showered yet. So now it's like 12:30...make breakfast, eat it, tidy up after it, shower, get ready. The day is gone. Well, the shower is just going to waste most of the morning in itself. I take a good hour to get ready. (yes...I realize that posting this is eating up time too, but plrbplrbplrbplrbplrbprlb...I'm enjoying this)

Okay, so I think I'm going to do breakfast, might as well, I'm hungry and I have nothing else to do...Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh and I can watch the next episode of Buffy...which gives me 40 minutes to cook, eat, and tidy up :) I've got eggs, bacon, beans, stale bread for toast and I can put marmite on it, oh and I can do fried onions, and a slice of tomato and some lettuce (like in a restaurant)....or an omelette...Okay, done (only if the due date on the eggs hasn't passed...*sigh*). Then I think I'll tidy/clean the apartment. We'll see how much energy I have for that, that might have to wait until I rent the next Angel/Buffy DVDs ;). I've got more than enough right now...thank you three cups of tea. Maybe just one more :) Actually this will teach me to keep lots of OJ in the fridge, so that I don't resort to 3 cups of tea as breakfast drink.

Okay, next? Hmmmm....well I don't really want to shower if I haven't tidied the apartment, no point in getting all clean if I'm just going to get dirty and smelly after. But if I don't have the drive to clean after breakfast, there's outside stuff I have to do (btw, I'm setting my starting point at 11am...so you're stuck with me until then). However, do I want to go into the real world looking and smelling like sleep. I HATE not getting ready before leaving the house. But REALLY, what do I have to do that I have to look good for. (...and my mind is saying...WELL? You never know who you might meet...I mean I could meet a Broadway producer who sees me and says "YOU! I WANT YOU!"...YES, I think this :)..and yes, I'm always a little disappointed when it doesn't happen). Okay, so I'll quickly put myself together, a little water, hair pulled back, maybe my visor, deoderant and perfume to cover the under the heavy covers all night smell :)

I have to get my oil changed....way overdue, yes, I'm a little broke right now...well, I have money but that's being saved and I'd rather go into a little debt to myself, than borrow my own money (is that skewed?). So I'll do that, oh, and that will give me a chance to read my book (lent to me by Mi). I also want to rent the next two DVDs...and return the one I've got as well as Finding Nemo, which I've already seen, but rented to watch with Mi and never got the chance and now it's two days overdue...darn...late fees. Okay, two errands done. I should probably get some groceries, but I don't want to get tons, just some basics. Fresher bread than the stale toast-making stuff in the fridge, OJ (at least a couple of cans, pulp free of course, drinks should not have stuff in it), Clamato, Ketchup chips (yes, I already have some but what if I run out), another roasted vidalia onion dip (had it in the fall, couldn't find it again...found it again...YAY!), maybe some more tuna. Okay...done. :), then when the errands are done I can spic'n'span the house while watching the DVDs. After that I can make myself all beautiful :) Oh....2nd meal of the day...Hmmm? After the errands? Before the cleaning? Yup, sounds good...tuna melt...sounds better ;) DONE. :)

Okay timeline
- 11am - breakfast, Buffy
- 1145 - prep for errands
- 1215 - start running errands
- oil change, get gas (maybe a car wash), groceries, vidalia onion dip (it's at one of my corner stores), oh....and return beer empties :), return & rent DVDs (remember to bring the returns when I leave for the errands)
- 330 (this is guestimated, I have not idea how long the errands will take) start to tidy while watching Angel episodes first, don't eat until tidying is done.
- 5pm start getting ready for evening

Wow...it took awhile...and I'd have had a lot more time if I started earlier....but I think I'm done and I can start my day officially.

Too much caffeine...lol...Hold on...I think I need a nap now ;) lol seriously, wishing for sleep. Darn my brain for waking me early. *sigh*

And I'm outta here...hope you enjoyed my mental process, because that's exactly what this has been :)

...dreaming...

...I think that this post is all just going to be from inside my head ramblings...don't say I didn't warn you :)

First. What the H E double-(the word that will not be said) sticks am I doing up this early on a Saturday morning after a good solid night of drinking girls night & birthday celebrations. *sigh* I woke up from a bizarre and frightening (I think) dream. And once awake I had to pee...so I did...and even when I do that on weekday mornings, I can always fall right back to sleep, but Noooooooooooooooooooooooo....surely not on a Saturday morning, when I could sleep until noon, 1, 2...whenever the heck I wanted to. I've been up since 7...I lay in bed thinking about not getting up, got up at 7:30 and sent a lengthy email to my cousin. But all the while with blog-post thoughts in my head.

So what did I awake from. Well, I remember that there was a lot more to the dream than the details I remember, it had been quite lengthy. But I only really remember bits near the end. This may seem random, but welcome to my brain, can I take your coat. Okay, the dream...So I'm at Se's cottage. Only it's -not- his cottage. I know that's where I am but like in many dreams, the surroundings are completely different than in real life. Now, I have a theory on this (I'm digressing...stay with me). My theory is, when we go to a place a dream, that we've been to in real life, and it looks completely different, it's what that place looks like in the dreamworld we're in when we're dreaming.

For example...if any of you have any read Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time series, some of the characters can dreamwalk, loosely explained, they can enter the world of dreams (there's lots of great stuff...but this is just an example...and not a whole blog on this). The world of dreams is called Tel'aran'rhiod. I love this idea of a dream world...a different plane of existence, slightly out of scope with the real world. So you can be exactly where you're told you are, but have it be completely different from the real world and it makes sense to you in the dream. (note: in Robert Jordan's Tel'aran'rhiod, everything looks the same in the dreamworld as in the real world...but time is different, and when things are moved in the real world, they are moved in the dreamworld...but now I am -really- digressing) So? Have I lost you yet? (told you there would be babbling...I'm all jacked up on my morning tea now...and there's more in the pot yet)

***CRAP*** I hate my computer...I had just finished typing the next huge paragraph and the site crashed....crap, crap, crap. Thank GOODNess that I saved this first part.

Okay, where was I. Yes, the cottage. Well now we're on the water. Travelling by boats, sort of like canoes, but they have this big pontoon thing sticking off one side, the right I think, like the boats they've used before on Survivor. (I think). The body of water is a lake, but long, narrow and twisting like a river, but it doesn't flow. Everyone is two per boat. Except me, and my boat is different. My boat travels by spinning and I use my legs, sort of the way you work a swing, only I'm whipping them to the side. And this whipping motion throws my boat into a spin which turns me but moves me forward. Now although my boat is very low to the water, I never get my legs or feet wet. I get the feeling that I wouldn't like to have to submerge any part of myself in the water, but I'm not worried about it. I'm amazed on how straight forward my boat is moving because of how quickly I'm turning. The sensation is marvellous. A really good spin. It's a very smooth motion. I remember travelling over a large patch of lily pads and flowers and thinking, I can't even feel them as they pass underneath me. Everytime I spin around I can see the people behind me. Everyone is paddling. I realize that I don't have a paddle and I hope that my boat will continue to move from this spinning, I realize that I forgot my paddle, but I like my spinning far better anyway. Two people behind me in the boats stand out. I don't know who they are in real life, but they're familiar in the dream (they make sense). One is sitting higher out of the canoes, like he's on a stool. And I think he's calling out commands, or talking loudly. But he's not threatening at all. I don't remember what he looks like, but for some reason I associate him with Gilles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

(this is where I was so rudely interrupted...darn machines...every couple of minutes now I'm saving my draft, but every couple seconds I highlight my most recent section and Alt+C)

The other person is a dark-skined man, with a very round face, and I get a very comfortable feeling from him. Although I'm aware of the raised man and I can see him everytime I spin around, it's the the other man that I am looking at directily, and sometimes directly in his eyes, every time around. He's directly behind me, the other man is behind him and to my left (when I'm facing them) . I'm spinning clockwise. I get the feeling that I'm taunting him, but in a flirty, fun kind of way. Look how much fun I'm having, look how fast I'm travelling, I'm faster than you, come and catch me. He doesn't seem to be struggling, just keeping pace. And he's close enough to me that I can't actually see him paddling. He is smiling and serene, although I can't really remember his face. I think of 'warm' when I think of him.

Then someone skates by me. The water is ice. And I'm trying to remember if it's always been ice. No, I can remember the lily pads and the paddling. I don't really remember how I'm travelling, but I'm still moving forward, however I can't see behind me anymore, so I'm probably not spinning. Another man on skates passes me. And I think and ask outloud to someone, that the ice doesn't look thick enough to skate on and I marvel at this. There's a woman who skates towards us (there's a man with me, behind me to the left) she comes up to me also on my left, and slows down, she looks like she is standing on very small pieces of flat metal, with a small blade on the underside (like an old cast-iron Iron, upside-down, but silver, not black). This memory sticks out. She has tiny feet, and I think frilly white socks on. She is very thin and not very tall but she's not young, but not very old. She says something, maybe answers my question, I can't remember. But I'm not convinced that the ice is thick enough. I'll stay alert. Then a guy on rollerblades passes me. He's moving fast and whoever the guy is with me (either I can't see him or I don't remember him now). The rollerblader has very thick (like tires) wheels on his skates, a flatter surface than normal blade wheels. I get the feeling that I shoul be worried, maybe someone said something. The three that past us go around a curve and we can't see them. Then up ahead I see water appearing on the ice. I know that this is very bad. (note...this might get a little graphic...but it was).

So I speed up. I'm still not really sure how I'm travelling at this point, but I'm able to move fast. And one of the skaters, the rollerblader I think, is lying on his back, in a groove in the ice and completely submerged in water. There are two people next to him, one on either side. I yell...grab him, get him out of there. There's something large obstructing his mouth. I think to myself, it's dangerous to move a person who has fallen, but it's more dangerous for him to drown, they have to get him out of there. Or maybe I say it out loud. I turn around behind me and yell, or maybe this is just a thought. I feel as though there were people behind me, but I don't remember if I saw any when I turned around. We have to call 911. I remember my cell phone is in my jacket pocket, I'm wearing the new white winter jacket that I just bought. The pocket's zipper is slowing me down. I turn back to the boys again, boys? teenagers? Not men though. They have the boy out of the water, but there's something wrong. (okay...this gets graffic, at least it was in the dream) That thing in his mouth. It's like a round ball, a little bigger than a tennis ball, and made of, well, what you'd look like if you got turned inside out. I think to myself...should we push it back in? It's really gross and it's coming out further, sort of like giving birth through his mouth. And finally this ball pops out and it's more white and gooey now and not so bloody and veiny as it was before...but it's flying around...and now it's coming at me and it's just a disjointed head, with a face, kind of Chucky-shrunken-head like, still a little larger in size than a tennis ball. I think I try swinging at it (as well as you can in a dream...I have trouble with willing my arms to move in my dreams)...but I don't feel like I'm having trouble. I somehow manage to get away.

The whole thing felt pretty awful and I think I was pretty scared. After I get away there's a man next to me, on my left. I'm not sure if he's the same man that was there when I saw the boy under the water. This man is tall and slender, but muscular with a honey brown colour skin. He doesn't have a shirt on and I'm resting my head on his chest and crying. I'm scared and upset. I say...I think it's really focusing on me. Why is it attacking me? I realize now in the waking world that this isn't the only time. This is where I realize that my dream had been longer, or is referencing something that happened before that I can sort of feel happened, but I can no longer remember now (real now, not in the dream now, in the dream I remember what had happened before). He calms me and says not to say anything. We don't want to draw attention to this fact, that whatever is after us (more than just him and I) is really focusing on me, but I don't know why not. This is not the first time I've been scared in this dream, or the first time I've been attacked by something in it either, I just don't remember anything before being at the cottage. I feel very comforted by him, and I don't want him to go.

The next thing I know, I'm in a boarding house. I'm on the ground floor, which is a tavern/restaurant. Lots of wood, some booths which have low ceilings. A wooden banister with a round top. I check the specials to see what the soup is. One of the specials is Angel Hair pasta with sauce or you can have it Primavera (and it says with vegetables in brackets). I start to come out of the dream. I think I was staying in the rooming house and I think I started to make for the stairs. Or maybe I was climbing the stairs. And then I woke up...but not really, more like I came out of the dream, but I'm still half asleep. And I remember that I was frightened and can see the little white head thing vividly in my mind. And then I realize I have to pee and I get up, still mid-slumber...still thinking I should be scared...and I probably am scared with the lights off in the bathroom...but I don't want to be scared, but I think I probably am, I'm just too tired. And then I go back to bed and figure I can fall right back asleep...and then, nope. I'm still groggy, but I know I'm not going to get a real minute of sleep now. *sigh*

Wow...that felt good to type up. Some of the images are still pretty vivid. The lily pads and flowers...that the motion of spinning felt good although I can't really remember what it feels like, just that it felt good...the boy in the groove in the ice covered by water...the whole creepy thing...the sensation of where the people were at different parts in my dream. Some of the colours and textures...and lots of the sensations.

I've always been a very vivid dreamer, lots of colour and details. I love dreaming. Even scary or upsetting ones. It's like having a good laugh, when you laugh so hard you can't breathe...or a good cry, when you sob and sob and sob...or a good O, where you're hands and feet go numb and you giggle hysterically (or is that just me)... :) All very calming afterwards.

There are some dreams throughout my life that have REALLY stood out and I still remember them today. Sometimes it's just parts of the dream....I've had periods of time in my life where I dreamed about flying...running and jumping into the air and just soaring and consciously keeping myself in the air. I still dream it once in awhile, but not as much as during one time (a couple of months after I moved to Toronto)...and a couple of times this year I've dreamed about my teeth falling out. Mostly just one or two, but a couple of weeks ago I dreamed that they all fell out. These sensations, the flying and teeth, are -very- vivid sensations. Can you remember the feeling of a loose tooth when you were a kid...EXACTLY that...and it feels real, they wiggle and they loosen and then they break loose, all the sinew and skin and the sharp point of the root of the tooth, and in these dreams I've actually thought...I'm probably dreaming but then realize I'm not (even though I am)...Most vivid dreams fade with time, though. The great thing about writing down a dream and having it fade is going back and reading it. You know it happened, it was memories that you had, actually thoughts that your head had...but you have no recollection of it. Like, that came out of my head...that's NUTS!!!

(ha ha...my browser crashed again...but I tricked it...plrbplrbplrbplrbplrbplrb *raspberry noise* I only had to finish the last little bit...ha ha)

Okay...I'm going to end this post now (I've got some other ideas for posts for today...but I'll attempt to keep my thoughts a little separate). So there you are...2 hours and 3 cups of tea later. And to think that dreams really only last a fraction of a second of time and that was only a part of the whole dream. The brain is an amazing thing. All those thoughts, images, sensations...in a matter of moments. Yay Brain! :)

So....do you all believe I'm crazy now? Would you like me to fetch your coat? Or I can put on another pot of tea...

...bedtime thoughts...

Note to self...
...when lying in bed and having a marvellous idea for a blog post...WRITE IT DOWN!!!

I had a deliciously wonderful muse inspired thought while drifting off to dreamland last night and thought what a great blog post. I composed a couple of lines in my head and got it off and running, enough to work with when I sat down at my machine today...and 'poof'...brain shut down and I forgot to hit save.

DARN!

...Shut up and think...

...it doesn't sound difficult.

I need to use my ....s, not as a way to rush from one thought to another (which is how I use them), but rather to take time to pause and think and make sure I am saying and/or doing what it is I mean to say and/or do. I really need to work on both sides...thinking before I speak, and thinking (and double checking) before I act.

I was known throughout my high school career for not thinking before I spoke. When my mouth was in gear, chances were my brain wasn't. With all the thinking and over analyzing my brain does, you think it would benefit me to let my brain do that before I open my mouth. But alas, I like to let my mouth just wander (lol...)

The worst case of brain-not-in-gear almost got me expelled in, what I refer to as, my Grade 14 year. I went back to school after graduation because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I figured extending my education, while it was free, was a better idea than sitting on my butt and wasting a year. Anyways...I digress...

So, I was in my Grade 14 year of my high school career. I was living in the 'burbs, but going to school in the city. Everyone knew me very well, teachers and students alike. It was a great year. I took all the classes that I wanted and, during the semester in question, I had my afternoons off. I would stick around during lunch hour for a bit and then take off for the afternoon. I wore a really beat up, black leather jacket (very motorcycle, straight cut). I loved it to pieces...even though I didn't really fit the imagine (which is probably why I loved it).

Also to note, the high school I went to had a pretty bad reputation in the city, a bit of an inner city school (yes it's Ottawa, so it's not -that- bad...but whatever). We had a police officer who was assigned to our school and would patrol regularly. I had never spoken to him but knew who he was.

Having been raised in the suburbs, I had grown up with a positive feeling towards police officers (I did go through a "pigs" phase, but I was past that now). We had been taught in elementary school (in the 'burbs) that the police officer was our ‘friend’, someone to be trusted. When I was in my early teens a police officer had stopped to talk with a group of us, just to chat...find out what the kids were up to these days. It had been a great experience and had gotten me out of my I-hate-cops phase pretty quickly.

One lunch hour I was sitting in the hallway with a bunch of my friends, wearing my leather jacket, as I was just about to leave for the day. Just then the principal, one of the vice-principals and our local police officer walked by. The officer was in full gear. He even had a bulletproof vest on with a big blue sticker across the front that said police. I was in a great mood that day and was having a grand old time. So when I noticed these three walking by, I thought I would share my happiness with them (actually, I have no idea what I was thinking...because this is where my brain stopped communicating with my mouth).

"Hey...are you going to a costume party?" I jokingly asked the cop, all smug in my look-how-cool-I-am motorcycle leather jacket.

The three of them just looked at me. I had never been introduced to the officer, but hey...-everybody- knew me right?

"So, what are you going as?" I asked sarcastically, thinking I was just the funniest thing in the world. My supposed posse behind me giving me confidence with their laughter.

"Why does it say Police in big letters across your chest? Is that, for people who don't know what your costume is?" I'm on a roll now, "Because they might have missed the gun and the bullet proof vest, right?"

And I'm done, I am so proud of myself. I made some funny jokes, about someone who I consider a friend and my other friends have appreciated the little performance. The party of three continue on their way without a single word to me. Then, thinking “my job here is done”, it's time for me to hit the road, thinking nothing further about what has just occurred. (because I wasn’t thinking at all).

The next morning my first period teacher, Mr. R., pulls me aside, and asks me to join him in the hallway. He seems very serious. I really liked Mr. R., thought he was just great. He looks at me very seriously and says to me very quietly… “S, what did you do yesterday?”. I am completely taken aback. Ack! What -did- I do yesterday. There is nothing worse than finding out you’ve done something wrong but having -no- idea what that thing is. I’m standing there…wracking my brain…What…? what did I do…? what? I look back at him blankly. “S…think hard…what did you do?” I was practically in tears. Shoot…what did I do wrong.

I go back into the classroom, very concerned. Wondering what happened. Class starts and about 10 minutes later the inter-classroom phone rings. Mr. R. goes over to the phone and listens, hangs up and says “S, could you please go to the principals office.” I’m freaked now…WHAT DID I DO??? He looks at me very seriously while the class does the infamous….Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh! Whatever.

When I finally get into the principals office I am more curious than anything, still trying to figure out what I did. I really have no clue. The principal proceeds to tell me that due to my actions the day before, the school was considering expelling me. I’m stunned. He explains that all of my teachers (including ones from previous years), met for a meeting this morning, before school, to discuss me. He said he doesn’t know me that well, but it’s a good sign because he’s always only heard good things about me. However, after my behaviour to the police officer yesterday in the hallway, he didn’t know what to think. It still hasn’t clicked for me. I remember the conversation. What was wrong with it.

The explanation I received was that had I verbally attacked the officer in the street like that he would have arrested me for harassment. He didn’t know who I was, I looked questionable, and had a group of other students backing me. The whole situation had come off very harsh and offensive to him. At this point in the explanation I’m in tears. I explain that this had not been my intention, that I had felt I was just joking with the officer. He says to avoid a suspension that I must write a formal apology to the officer.

That’s the long of it…I wrote the apology and later spoke to the officer in person, didn’t get expelled or suspended. However, what really stuck with me was a comment that one of the teacher’s, in the morning S Conference, had said. I had been told about it later than week. They had been sitting around trying to figure out why I had done and said what I did, worried that I was -actually- becoming a bad kid. Because as much as a pain in the butt as I could be, I never really meant any harm. My favourite teacher, Mr. R got their attention and said,
“This -is- S we’re talking about right? The girl we all know, who doesn’t think before she speaks?”

Well, I seem to have started slipping back into the high school student I once was. I have come a long way over the years, slowly overcoming this foot-in-mouth disease that I suffered from quite severely. So I have to go back and re-teach myself how to think.

The other side of this problem is the attention to detail that I don’t always take. In some areas I am completely anal retentive and am very careful, but in others it’s obvious my mind was elsewhere (like typing this blog ;)) while I was trying to do something else. I need to make sure to read every word, take in every piece of information and retain all of it as well. Before moving forward on something I need to go back and double check what I have done.

Ex: This morning I received an email from one of my brokers. He had received a request from one of his clients. I automatically went to process this request but found I couldn’t because the account wasn’t set up properly. So instead of double checking anything, verifying any of the information, or even take a minute to think…I called the broker back and said so-and-so’s account wasn’t set up right…and he said “Who?”…I quickly opened the email again and…wrong client…WAY wrong. If I had just taken a second to read the email and process the information instead of charging ahead I wouldn’t look so sloppy, which is how I think it came off.

I don’t have all that much work to do. I just have to breath more. And be more patient. And think, think, think…a little Winnie the Pooh help.

Singing demons...

I thought I'd write about one of my favourite characters from Angel.

His proper name is Krevlorneswath of the Deathwok Clan, but better known as Lorne. He is the owner and the host of a karaoke bar frequented by demons. However, his bar rules include no violence. He is skilled with the ability of being able to read a person's aura and then offer guidance, by listening to them sing. So demons and humans alike get on stage and have him 'read' them. This opens all sorts of opportunity for both some great laughs, as well as some talent to grace the episodes.

For example, Angel the title character is -not- a singer. And not only is he not a singer, the idea of this dark, sexy, brooding vampire getting up onstage to sing in itself is a wonderfully amusing picture. And the song choices...where to start ;) However, at the end of Season 2 one of the lawyers (don't want to give too many details for those who have never watched and you will...YES...you will) gets up on stage, he's cute enough already, but strums his guitar and sings and yes...my skin began to tingle...I enjoyed it immensely. That whole scene was very well done...lots of humour in that scene with Angel as well.

Lorne is green (yes...the Lorne Green joke has been done) with red horns, is -extremely- flamboyant and a great dresser. He can also bring a musical theatre fan like myself to her knees with his singing. He's not the greatest singer alive, but he's got more performance in one of those little horns than most people have in well, their entire lives.

Anyways...I'm not all that good at describing how good something is...or why I love it so much. But Lorne's character always glues me to his scenes. Laughing at all the jokes, wanting to sing along if I know the words. He just makes me smile.

(actually that goes for most characters of Buffy & Angel)

…And then God said…Let There Be MANY Channels…

…and there was basic cable, and basic cable in other time zones, and specialty channels, and sports channels, and movie channels, and pay per view channels and porn channels…
…and the girl never had to leave the house again…

I got digital…and let me tell you, this is probably going to kill any social life that I had ever hoped to have had. -SERIOUSLY-. But how awesome is digital tv? I can always find something on (believe it or not, I wasn’t able to with only 28 channels). ‘AND’ I bought myself a little treat with my new digital cable…Yes, the Playboy channel, yes it’s porn. And it’s marvelous. There is nothing like watching naked people as you get ready for work in the morning, while cooking dinner, while studying for your financial course. It is great background tv.

The funny thing is that I’m still not finished the Buffy/Angel series. So yesterday I rented the next part. I am determined to make it through both series (and am completely addicted too) and will give up my digital tv watching, in order to watch every episode. So I got through 3 episodes last night, and unless the boy comes over tonight, I’ll watch the other 4 episodes. Come on…it’s laundry/dishes/cleaning night. I have to use that time wisely and kill two birds with one stone…Buffy AND tidy apartment.

...I think I'm hooked already...

...and I haven't even read anything yet.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/survivor10/

Guess I'll need to purchase a VCR that actually works.

Blah...blah...blah...January

Boring…am I becoming boring? Where has my personality gone?

Maybe it’s the new job. Now, don’t get me wrong…there is nothing wrong with the new job. On the contrary, the new job is pretty darn marvellous. But as good as things are, I’m still the ‘new’ girl, still trying to fit in. And there continues to be much for me to learn as well. I also made some mistakes in the first little while that I was here that I fear haven’t all caught up to me yet.
I guess I’m just feeling a little flat these days…a shell of the real me. Why is this?

Well, there could be a number of reasons…as I already considered, the new job. The most logical reason, of course being, that the bulb shone quite brightly and I’ve worn it out a bit. If this is the case I’m not too worried, as I know the bulb will recharge and be lit again. If this is the case it’s just a matter of time…I’ll have to wait it out and remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is me. :)

Or maybe I’m just at a crossroads right now…or coming up to one. However, I don’t feel like there is a major choice in front of me right now.

After thinking some more about it, I believe that the bulb reason is definitely the most logical. So with all of this the question is…how do I get past it? I’m sick of not feeling like me, more a shadow of my former self. How do I get my personality, my drive, my raison d’être back? Do I just wait it out? Or do I work at it? I should probably start doing things…anything. Yup, I guess being a bump on a log right now, isn’t helping anything. I need to get out…ie. get away from the tv so lovingly displaying my Buffy and Angel.

I need to read more, get out more, exercise more…all of those things that I said in my resolutions post. J I just have absolutely -no- motivation or inspiration right now.

I guess it’s also -that- time of year. We are entering the dark days of the year. It is the time of year where our natural instinct is to hibernate, to go into a warm, dark place where we can snuggle up and fall asleep. And there isn’t a statutory holiday now until the end of March.

Well, I hope I’m not sounding all depressed or melancholy. I’m not….really! I’m just….flat. I’m not tired, I’m not sad, I’m not anything. I’m just spilling the thoughts that are tumbling around in my head. :)

Lastly...just as a note...it's +15 Celcius today...which is unheard of in January...our own little Chinook here in South-Eastern Ontario. No worries. It drops off tomorrow to the equivalent low.

Round and around we go...where she'll stop? Nobody knows...

Morning thought...I -need- caffeine when I get to work in the morning. The periods in my life where I have been more moody or have had trouble dealing with the stresses in my life, are the times where I was not having my morning cup of tea. Actually, it's probably the other way around...when I'm in a negative place, I drop my personal rituals. But no matter, I'm going to try to always have my morning cup of tea (just in case).

The following I have my friend Er to thank for...she has a great way of inspiring my brain...she brought up the idea of personal power...and the following came out of me...

When I'm balanced my power is positive...everything is focused and humming, like a racecar on a track, taking each curve nice and tight, knowing when to slow down or accelerate, clean, fast, sharp. However, when I'm unbalanced, my power is completely unfocused. Imagine that same racecar with a thin slick layer of rain between its tires and the track. The car is still moving fast, but now it's skidding, sliding, loosing control, maybe even spinning out. The more unbalanced I become the harder the rain falls and the more slippery the track becomes. When I am unbalanced like that my insecurities fly. Then I reach out to seek control...and in a negative manner, try to control -everything- else too much (being obsessive compulsive) but without ever fixing the problem. Instead of slowing down and being more careful...I try and fix things that aren't broken. So here's this Me speeding along working on everything else that is fine, possibly causing more problems (ie. if it ain't broke don't fix it), and not watching where I'm going, at this insane speed. And another thing I just realized...when I'm feeling out of control, one of the things I like to do is drive...and fast.

Okay, lesson learned:
When things are bad -
- SLOW DOWN
- don't try and fix everything
- don't get behind the wheel, unless you HAVE to ;)

All I need to do now is figure out what the 'rain' is...or even deeper...what causes the 'rain. :)

After all that, I think I'm going to get my car washed tonight, since it's going to be balmy tomorrow and because...boy does my car need it. And if I'm already out I should probably get the oil changed too...ahhh, the exciting adventures of The Green Machine. Stay tuned for the next episode "What is that smell...really?"

Once more with feeling

I’ve been doing a lot of the Buffy/Angel watching. It’s a great escape. A friend that I met in October got me hooked on Buffy and Angel. He talked about it quite a bit and then showed me The Musical episode and I was hooked (I also played a little on Xbox…might have to buy my own).

I started with Season 1 (at the end of October) on DVD, then took on Angel watching as well, during Season 4 of Buffy watching. I watch 2 disks of one and then 2 of the other, which doesn’t always work perfectly…but it’s not bad. Since this Saturday I’ve watched 15 episodes of Buffy and 8 episodes of Angel, and am picking up another 8 of Angel after work today. I’m mid-way through Season 5 of Buffy and Season 2 of Angel. AWESOME stuff!!! I highly recommend either and/or both of these shows. They might be considered flightly, but I love the writing, the action is fun…and well, it’s just pure entertainment in my book.

A fresh start...(and a post that I need to reread regularly)

...that's what a new year is after all.

I have always enjoyed the beginning of a new year, like going back to school in the fall. "Today is fresh, with no mistakes in it." However, I didn't start the year the way I would've liked to (cleaning, organizing, planning...all round OCD), as I didn't accomplish much in the past week. Instead I have been recuperating from, and here I was going to put New Year's Eve, but I think I've been recuperating (and will continue for awhile) from the past year.

I accomplished a lot in the past year. I also dealt with a lot of things, and nothing of any importance by anyone else's standards, but things inside of me. It has taken me the past week to regain some emotional stability and I'm still working on that...trying to remember to breath (in through the nose, out through the mouth...I know). I know why my emotional stability has deteriorated, and although I refuse to say -never-, I will say...not right now or anytime soon. I have come to realize that I have been trying to live with a mild depression without admitting that that is what it was or what caused it.

So with all the regular resolutions that everyone makes (and I always keep them on my list); get in shape, eat healthy, save money, be good...I have a new one to add...regain control of my life...emotionally. I have never been the -most- emotionally stable person, and I don't have to be. I went through depression in my teens and it reared its ugly head a couple of places here and there, but never for any amount of time. However, remembering as an adult what I felt as a teenager is -not- fun, and I don't want to be here anymore. A friend had recently made a comment about a group of us as 'The OC'...not a flattering comment and I took it to mean everyone else and not me, however...I've been feeling like a 16 year old me and I guess I've also been acting like a 16 year old me.

I have everything going for me...I have a great job, wonderful friends and family, my own place, my own car, I can balance my checkbook and do the laundry and I'm just starting a relationship with a guy that I just adore (added last but it was definitely the first thing I thought of putting down) :) ...and I don't want to lose any of it. On the path I was taking I could have lost it all and, along with it, probably my mind.

My goal for the future is to slowly take back control of my life, so I guess this is what this post is about (took me long enough)...here are, not my resolutions, but what I am striving towards.

I want this relationship to continue. I look forward to learning about one another while having fun and sharing in each other's lives...remembering that we are two separate people and not to be consumed with him. I will be honest with him and trust him with my heart. I will not give up my life to become part of his, but will live my life with him as a part of it. I will try and remember to breath if I get too needy and expect the moon. And I will remember that he is another person, with his own life and not to make everything about me. And lastly...I do not need to spend every minute with him, or talk to him every second, seeking constant reassurance. He likes me...if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, now would he?

I want to improve my career. Two years ago I started on this path and it clicked. This is what I am meant to be doing. I am good at it, it is rewarding financially and I will continue to strive. I have the next 10 months to finish this course and pass. And I will do it. I will take the time this year, putting aside my social life and laziness when I have to, and get the job done. I do not need to take the whole 10 months, but I will take the time I need. And when I am finished this course there is a second that I wil take and I will pass. This will give me a stronger foundation for my career and make me better skilled for what I do.

I will keep an eye on my spending habits. I do -not- need to spend every last penny in my wallet, bank account or credit card. I do -not- need to have everything I want. And I do -not- need to shop when I am emotionally unstable. I also don't need to waste $10 a day taking a cab to work...and this doesn't get a whole paragraph...I just have to get up earlier. I will remember to save for my current future, the near future, and the future of which I can only dream. I will treat myself, because I deserve to be treated, but I don't need to be spoiled everyday.

I will improve my physical self. Nothing hardcore, but I will stay active. I will play ultimate frisby, I will take up rock-climbing and by the end of the year I -will- take a ballet class. I will walk more and get more fresh air. I will eat healthier...making an effort to actually buy groceries, stick to a budget and make my own meals. I will not drink for the sake of drinking. I will continue my voice lessons and I will take the time required to learn new material as well as improve old material. However, I do not see this as the year where I will make this part of my career life. I need the arts to keep me balanced, they are a large part of who I am and I will not lose them, but I am only human and I know I can't do everything. I will remember to drink milk, and eat fruit and vegetables. Water couldn't hurt either. I will also make a concerted effort to take the time to wash up before bed. And I will remember what brought me to emotional unstability.

I will remember that there are other people in my life and not just me. I will ask how others are before rambling on about myself. I will listen when others speak and think about what they are saying instead of waiting for my chance to say what I have to say. If I make plans with someone I will -not- break them or disrespect them by not making the effort. I will continue to tell those that I care about that I love them, because I do, and it's a wonderful thing to have with someone. I will remember to smile, because it goes so much further than I realize. And I will remember that when I feel as though my life is crumbling around me...that other people also have problems and they might need me more than I need them.

I will take pride in the things I have and take care of them and not only my physical things...this includes the people in my life, and everything about myself.

I will go to church more often. I know that I won't go every weekend, but it is something that is important to me. It brings me peace and balance, and helps me to find my way back to who I am.

I will go on at least one major trip this year.

Okay, this was as long as I thought it might be...and it seems like a lot. I know that I will not be able to do everything immediately. I will just take the time to think, to remember, to try and I will not beat myself up if I slip. As much as I have gained, I also fell this year and was lucky to have many parachutes that were released and kept me from hitting the ground too hard. Life is a journey and I want to enjoy the journey but I will also improve myself along the way.

Just a side-note. I am GOOD this morning. I was -very- NOT good last night. I published a post and deleted it this morning. I haven't even gone back to re-read it (but I have saved it)...because I KNOW it is not who I am...it is only a part of me...and as much as it is a part of me, it doesn't have to be.

So to start with a couple of little things, I am off to Church for noon, I will walk there and back, I will get groceries and my car washed this afternoon and then if there is time I will clean the bathroom and maybe a little of the closet. Then I'm off to drinks with my friends and I will not be upset if my boyfriend does not join me. I will go to bed at a reasonable hour and even if I don't, I -will- get up at a reasonable hour in the morning.

Creation

...and then there were words...

...and they're written by me, so I forecast that there will be a ton of them to follow. I will be very verbose and my stories will be exciting (if only to me). I do not claim to be a writer (I'm not)...I'm a talker. As you can already see, I love the "..." and will use them to a point that will drive you, the reader, insane, but for me, as the writer...they help me keep my sanity.

Please enjoy everything that follows...and for those friends and family that I constantly bombard with lengthy, rambling, pointless, mind-boggling emails...maybe this is the better solution to help me get it all off my chest.