Anger...
Written February 2, 2007
(I can say this here because you don't read it...and if you do read it...well...this is what I had to write, so I'm letting it out before it festers)
My gawd you make me so angry. How do you get to be so high on your horse? So I'm busy with my life. I can't believe how pissed off I am. My heart is racing, I can't think straight my thoughts are racing. I WILL NOT make excuses for my behaviour, I will not look for the justification you are asking for. How DARE you question the way I choose to live my life...because that's EXACTLY what you're doing. You are questioning my values, my life, my ability to make choices and how I spend my time. You put my back up so that I feel the need to defend my actions...and I DON'T!!!! So FUCK YOU...yeah, that's right...that's exactly what I want to say to you right now. FUCK YOU AND FUCK RIGHT OFF.
I have a life and yes that life includes you. You are my friend, at least I thought you were...but your words state that you're not. You don't even know me if you feel the need to question my the way I live my life, the way I spend my time. Maybe you're too focused inwards to see that I have a life too. I have things that I am doing with my life and I'm sorry that you feel the way you do...I really am sorry, unfortunately, I'm not going to let you make me apologize. Because I have NOTHING to apologize for. I never ask for time when you are busy. I never ride your ass when you can't make it to something or you ignore my invitation all together. How about getting off your ass and coming to see me perform sometime? It's something that I, your 'friend' have been working so hard towards? Thanks for the support...it's really special!
Why? Why do you say these things? Do you want me to yell at you? Do you need a fight today? What is in you that you need to pick at me...criticize me...make me feel like shit? Because that's exactly what you've managed to do. You question me and make me feel like shit because I have a life. But I won't yell at you...I know I can't bottle it all in...that's what this is for...but I won't yell at you...that's what you want...you want my excuses, you want my reasons, you want me to yell...well I won't. I will not feed into whatever insecurity is causing this. If you are SO insecure that you feel the need to make me feel like shit, then take it and your friendship somewhere else. I don't need this. I have lots of people in my life...yes...friends...other friends...other people that I spend my time with...and I'm sorry if I lose you, because I thought we were friends, that you know that I care about you, even when I'm making time for the rest of my life...but I guess you don't.... I mean it's why I busted my ass when you needed me. I care about you and I fought to help you...and well, now I'm helping myself, and I won't apologize for that.
What do you want...a list...do you want my schedule...do you want to know what I've been spending my time doing...?
Yeah, I have a boyfriend...so what...when I first met Nerds I spent 6 days a week with her for the first 2 months, a friend...not just boyfriends get this kind of time...building our friendship, building a relationship...and we probably would have continued on that path of endless days spent together...you know, getting to know this new person in our lives...but the Auzzie showed up, and I was okay with that, and I knew that THEIR relationship needed time...and since I love Nerds...I gave her and them that time...because they needed it. That's what you do with friendship...you understand...you love...you stick by them...and sometimes you have to wait...and you get to decide how long you want to wait. I didn't write to her and make her feel bad, and guilt her or passively aggressively get her to yell and scream at me. So if you're tired of waiting, well there's nothing I can do about that. I'm living my life and I'm trying to include you...but I can't include you all the time. Why can't you make time for me when YOU'RE busy...? Hmmmmm? Why is it only a one way street...? Because I have a boyfriend...because Chicks before Dicks? No...that's not the way it goes. At least not for me. Yeah, yeah, you have one too...and you're making choices concerning him in your way...that's your life...you live it the way you want to...I've got mine and I'm doing fine.
Yes, I spent a lot of time with him...well, guess what...it's that relationship thing I was telling you about. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. And if that mean he gets extra time...then I've chosen that and he gets it. I'm learning about new relationships, I'm working at this one...I'm going to get this right because I want it, and it is right. The foundation of a relationship is ridiculously important...it's where you go to when times are rough, it's what supports you both for the rest of that relationship. The beginnning only happens once and I'm enjoying every moment of it and I won't give any of it up...I'm choosing to do this, because I love him and I love me with him and I want this.
But it's not just him, as my friend I thought you knew what I do with my life, that I was busting my ass for an exam, preparing for a competition, dealing in therapy twice a week, playing ultimate twice a week, trying to visit my aging grandfather, visiting my family, spending time with my other friends...yeah, I have other friends...most of which haven't seen half as much of me as you have in the past month. Guess what...I'm fucking busy...and I'm fucking tired...and if this is the kind of reaction I can expect from you when I'm trying my best to be me...then back to what I said before FUCK YOU!!!! Because look here...you've managed to get out of me my reasons, my schedule...do you want a fucking urine sample too? Because, yeah, I'm clean too!
And while we're on my defense, guess what...I spend no more or no less time with you than I was before. We're all busy, we all have lives we live...we all have other shit to do. You've got weekends with your god-daugher and your other friends, and business shit, and a guy that visits you from out of town. And you work out every night after work so we come over later...maybe you should give that up one night...? No...as your friends we know that it's important to you, no big deal, we'll see you later and just not spend as much time together. Whatever...or we'll do it another day...whatever. I don't question your life or the lives of my other friends. If they can't see me, they can't, I deal...I'll be here tomorrow. I'm a friend and I'm willing to wait.
FUCK....thanks for this...it makes me not want to spend any time with you. I've got other people that want to spend time with me that I put off to see you. BTW - just in case, should I send you a schedule for the next couple of months...I'm in a wedding and I'm busy a couple of days here and there helping the bride...I hope you don't mind....oh, but my boyfriend will be joining me as my date...there I go spending more time with him...god I'm so inconsiderate. What else...hmmmm...let's see, well I'm making a couple of trips home to visit my family...oh but the boyfriend will be with me again...that's right just another way to spend time with him...I mean, what's family anyways...just an excuse! Yeah, whatever...
So you did it...you made me mad, you made me yell, you made me angry with you, you made me make excuses for my sorry life, you made me justify my time, my choices, and my actions. You got exactly what you wanted out of me. So....now what? Where do we go from here? Do I write you off? Do you write me off? Why bother moving forward? CLEARLY neither of us is impressed with the other, might as well, just walk away and forget about it. I'm not going to fight with you and at this point, I don't even want to fight for you. Because why would I want to keep someone in my life that makes me feel awful. Yeah, thank you for giving me something to think about.
And yes, I know...just what you expected...I'm a bitch...yes, I am VERY ungrateful of my friends who stuck by me...I'm horrible...I must be so cocky to think like this...I don't know who my REAL friends are...I don't know how to treat people properly...I'm pretentious...I think I'm better than everyone else. Yes, if you want to believe that and think that and say that about me...giv'er...because...I'm not going to try and change your mind. It hurts...its hurts like hell...but the pain will go away...and it won't be in my face like your questions are now...I'd rather you hurt me when you're not my friend than hurt me when you are...yeah...I'm not going to let you talk to me like this anymore...I deserve to be treated better by my 'friends'.
I'm not sorry for my actions...but I am sorry you feel that way.
(I can say this here because you don't read it...and if you do read it...well...this is what I had to write, so I'm letting it out before it festers)
My gawd you make me so angry. How do you get to be so high on your horse? So I'm busy with my life. I can't believe how pissed off I am. My heart is racing, I can't think straight my thoughts are racing. I WILL NOT make excuses for my behaviour, I will not look for the justification you are asking for. How DARE you question the way I choose to live my life...because that's EXACTLY what you're doing. You are questioning my values, my life, my ability to make choices and how I spend my time. You put my back up so that I feel the need to defend my actions...and I DON'T!!!! So FUCK YOU...yeah, that's right...that's exactly what I want to say to you right now. FUCK YOU AND FUCK RIGHT OFF.
I have a life and yes that life includes you. You are my friend, at least I thought you were...but your words state that you're not. You don't even know me if you feel the need to question my the way I live my life, the way I spend my time. Maybe you're too focused inwards to see that I have a life too. I have things that I am doing with my life and I'm sorry that you feel the way you do...I really am sorry, unfortunately, I'm not going to let you make me apologize. Because I have NOTHING to apologize for. I never ask for time when you are busy. I never ride your ass when you can't make it to something or you ignore my invitation all together. How about getting off your ass and coming to see me perform sometime? It's something that I, your 'friend' have been working so hard towards? Thanks for the support...it's really special!
Why? Why do you say these things? Do you want me to yell at you? Do you need a fight today? What is in you that you need to pick at me...criticize me...make me feel like shit? Because that's exactly what you've managed to do. You question me and make me feel like shit because I have a life. But I won't yell at you...I know I can't bottle it all in...that's what this is for...but I won't yell at you...that's what you want...you want my excuses, you want my reasons, you want me to yell...well I won't. I will not feed into whatever insecurity is causing this. If you are SO insecure that you feel the need to make me feel like shit, then take it and your friendship somewhere else. I don't need this. I have lots of people in my life...yes...friends...other friends...other people that I spend my time with...and I'm sorry if I lose you, because I thought we were friends, that you know that I care about you, even when I'm making time for the rest of my life...but I guess you don't.... I mean it's why I busted my ass when you needed me. I care about you and I fought to help you...and well, now I'm helping myself, and I won't apologize for that.
What do you want...a list...do you want my schedule...do you want to know what I've been spending my time doing...?
Yeah, I have a boyfriend...so what...when I first met Nerds I spent 6 days a week with her for the first 2 months, a friend...not just boyfriends get this kind of time...building our friendship, building a relationship...and we probably would have continued on that path of endless days spent together...you know, getting to know this new person in our lives...but the Auzzie showed up, and I was okay with that, and I knew that THEIR relationship needed time...and since I love Nerds...I gave her and them that time...because they needed it. That's what you do with friendship...you understand...you love...you stick by them...and sometimes you have to wait...and you get to decide how long you want to wait. I didn't write to her and make her feel bad, and guilt her or passively aggressively get her to yell and scream at me. So if you're tired of waiting, well there's nothing I can do about that. I'm living my life and I'm trying to include you...but I can't include you all the time. Why can't you make time for me when YOU'RE busy...? Hmmmmm? Why is it only a one way street...? Because I have a boyfriend...because Chicks before Dicks? No...that's not the way it goes. At least not for me. Yeah, yeah, you have one too...and you're making choices concerning him in your way...that's your life...you live it the way you want to...I've got mine and I'm doing fine.
Yes, I spent a lot of time with him...well, guess what...it's that relationship thing I was telling you about. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. And if that mean he gets extra time...then I've chosen that and he gets it. I'm learning about new relationships, I'm working at this one...I'm going to get this right because I want it, and it is right. The foundation of a relationship is ridiculously important...it's where you go to when times are rough, it's what supports you both for the rest of that relationship. The beginnning only happens once and I'm enjoying every moment of it and I won't give any of it up...I'm choosing to do this, because I love him and I love me with him and I want this.
But it's not just him, as my friend I thought you knew what I do with my life, that I was busting my ass for an exam, preparing for a competition, dealing in therapy twice a week, playing ultimate twice a week, trying to visit my aging grandfather, visiting my family, spending time with my other friends...yeah, I have other friends...most of which haven't seen half as much of me as you have in the past month. Guess what...I'm fucking busy...and I'm fucking tired...and if this is the kind of reaction I can expect from you when I'm trying my best to be me...then back to what I said before FUCK YOU!!!! Because look here...you've managed to get out of me my reasons, my schedule...do you want a fucking urine sample too? Because, yeah, I'm clean too!
And while we're on my defense, guess what...I spend no more or no less time with you than I was before. We're all busy, we all have lives we live...we all have other shit to do. You've got weekends with your god-daugher and your other friends, and business shit, and a guy that visits you from out of town. And you work out every night after work so we come over later...maybe you should give that up one night...? No...as your friends we know that it's important to you, no big deal, we'll see you later and just not spend as much time together. Whatever...or we'll do it another day...whatever. I don't question your life or the lives of my other friends. If they can't see me, they can't, I deal...I'll be here tomorrow. I'm a friend and I'm willing to wait.
FUCK....thanks for this...it makes me not want to spend any time with you. I've got other people that want to spend time with me that I put off to see you. BTW - just in case, should I send you a schedule for the next couple of months...I'm in a wedding and I'm busy a couple of days here and there helping the bride...I hope you don't mind....oh, but my boyfriend will be joining me as my date...there I go spending more time with him...god I'm so inconsiderate. What else...hmmmm...let's see, well I'm making a couple of trips home to visit my family...oh but the boyfriend will be with me again...that's right just another way to spend time with him...I mean, what's family anyways...just an excuse! Yeah, whatever...
So you did it...you made me mad, you made me yell, you made me angry with you, you made me make excuses for my sorry life, you made me justify my time, my choices, and my actions. You got exactly what you wanted out of me. So....now what? Where do we go from here? Do I write you off? Do you write me off? Why bother moving forward? CLEARLY neither of us is impressed with the other, might as well, just walk away and forget about it. I'm not going to fight with you and at this point, I don't even want to fight for you. Because why would I want to keep someone in my life that makes me feel awful. Yeah, thank you for giving me something to think about.
And yes, I know...just what you expected...I'm a bitch...yes, I am VERY ungrateful of my friends who stuck by me...I'm horrible...I must be so cocky to think like this...I don't know who my REAL friends are...I don't know how to treat people properly...I'm pretentious...I think I'm better than everyone else. Yes, if you want to believe that and think that and say that about me...giv'er...because...I'm not going to try and change your mind. It hurts...its hurts like hell...but the pain will go away...and it won't be in my face like your questions are now...I'd rather you hurt me when you're not my friend than hurt me when you are...yeah...I'm not going to let you talk to me like this anymore...I deserve to be treated better by my 'friends'.
I'm not sorry for my actions...but I am sorry you feel that way.
posted by PrincessDoubt @ 10:33 a.m.
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