Just beyond the shadow of a doubt

This blog was created for me to put my musings down in written form, and maybe help others make choices through lessons that I have learned. Sometimes I just use it to get the words out of my head, or figure out something, or just because I want to.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

2005 - A look back at my personal year...

So I went back to my original blog posted at the top of 2005. Talking about fresh starts and fresh beginnings…and then I started thinking about the past year and everything that has happened, and everything that I accomplished.

I was definitely all topsy-turvy going into 2005. And that feeling stuck with me for most of the year. Luckily, I’m feeling very much on my game this closing out this year, and I trust that I will carry that with me into the year to come. I’m very excited for what 2006 holds.

Whew…reading through last year’s blog…what a whirlwind. But I remember it…only too well.

So what have I accomplished this year…?

Well most of the winter months I focused on my new job, which I found a wee bit stressful, being a -new- job and all. I also had my relationship blinders on for most of it and was very focused on that. The relationship ended in early February, and I became a bit of a basketcase for a while. Yes, that’s probably an understatement.

I moved in April/May, which was good. It took a lot of time and energy and helped me pull my focus away from the upset over the relationship. I looooooooooooooove my new apartment, although not so new anymore. Over a two week period I (with much help from family and friends) painted, purchased furniture and moved. During the move I met a new guy (the mover), with whom I am still friends. It was a nice distraction, along with all the moving. Then to celebrate I threw an AMAZING house-warming party, with everyone I know…which is my favourite kind of CHAOS!

Shortly, thereafter, I headed off to England which was a good trip…seeing family and the like. But it was also kind of stressful and a little chaotic. But I survived (this was part of my new years resolution…to take a trip…yay!). But it was good to get away for awhile.

Then summer hit full force, and what a summer. I enrolled in a tantra course, I carried on many fling-like relationships, I had lots of fun, stayed out late a lot, got tons of sun…just gallavanted all summer. I also ate very well, and walked miles and miles.

There was one party this summer that I’ll never forget. There were fireworks…and later that evening there were more fireworks…on the boat. It lead to the 2nd half of the year being a bit of a mess…although I kept the emotional craziness at bay until just recently. However, I have recently lashed out and killed any last chance of it flaring up again.

Late in the summer I had a weekend in Montreal with all the girls from the office. That was a blast and a half. Another much needed get away weekend.

My birthday was another big bash, again with all of my friends in attendance and me a right mess.

The fall was quite stressful with upper back pain that appears to have come from nowhere, dealing with bi-polar, and work issues. However, I am keeping a close eye on the bi-polar and have introduced some natural approaches to coping with it (tons of vitamins & minerals) as well as looking into finding someone to talk to, the work issues have slowly but surely straightened themselves out…and the back pain…well…it’s a pain. And I hope to kick it’s butt early in the new year.

My big accomplishment this year was passing both the PFP exams and getting that out of the way (it only took me two years *sigh*).

All in all it’s been a marvellous year…even with all of the unsettlement…I really can’t complain. Plus going down my list, I can check off a number of my “resolutions”…

- taking back control of my life…well it took the full year, but I think I’ve got a good handle on myself, much better than where I was last year at this time, much clearer.
- the relationship…okay, that died a slow and painful death, I should have read that blog paragraph every day…I knew what not to do…and I did it anyway…so the relationship didn’t last, but hopefully I’ve learnt something from it.
- the career…I passed the course I had to do, and there were some ups and downs, but I’m definitely back on the upside of things.
- spending habits…okay, not great. I have spent quite a bit and have been spoiling myself all year, however tieing it into the saving part of my resolution…I might not have anything saved at the moment, but I managed to save enough to buy new furniture and fully decorate my new apartment, take a trip to England, take a trip to Montreal, and do everything that I wanted to this year. So not great, but not horribly awful in the spending department. Improvement is still necessary.
- health…ha ha!!! I DID sign up and take ballet classes, which will start up again in the new year, which I LOVE and which are doing my body good. I have made an effort to eat healthier, although I need to try harder (ie. stop eating out so much), but I have introduced vitamins and minerals into my daily plan and am trying my darndest to force a litre of water through my system each day. I also started getting accupuncture, have been seeing a chiropractor and a massage therepist.
- focus on others…I think I have been very true to this one and am thinking of others and am watching my selfishness.
- taking pride…I have taken pride in my accomplishments this year, in the new year I’d definitely like to start seeing myself as others see me. Because although I can take pride in accomplishments, I am still very negative in myself.
- AND I took one huge trip this year…as I had hoped

So that’s the Coles Notes version of my 2005. There were a million other things that happened. And it really was a marvellous year. Each year I learn more and more about myself. And hopefully become a better person. I am VERY excited for 2006…I have a great feeling about what’s on the horizon for 2006. And of course, shorlty into the new year, my list of ‘resolutions’ will of course follow.

2005 In Memorandum – Jack, Uncle Bruce, Carol Dudgeon

Saturday, December 24, 2005

CHRISTMAS!

It really is marvellous, spendeng Christmas with your family. You don't get to spend time with them the way you used to, growing up. And sure there is arguing and craziness and chaos, tons of chaos, but that's lots of fun,really. And then there are these little pockets of joy and fun and, well, Christmas spirit. And its beautiful. And it's why you put up with the fjghting and the craziness and the choas, the fucking chaos. You wade through all of it for the moments, the ones you've missed, the ones you've thought about, the ones you've longed for. And its wonderful, and beautiful, and it's what Christmas is all about!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Letting go

I still want you.

I still want to want you.

I do not want to keep wanting you.

I want to let go.

...but deep down I still want you.

I want to move on, because until I let you go I will not move forward.

I have tried to let you go before, and yet I was pulled back in. Are you doing the same to me? Are we pulling at each other, while we push away? Or is it just me? Is this all just in my own mind?

Have I created it all? Have I imagined it all? Is this all just me? Do I keep pulling you back while I imagine I'm pushing you away? Is it just me setting it up, making you come back? Are you invovled at all?

I want you, but I don't want you like this.

I have to let you go. I have to let this go. I will let this go. I am letting this go.

I am letting you go. I am letting you go. I am letting you go.

Please let me go too. Please.

Thank you...for everything.
 
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