The other shoe...
(note: It has been suggested that the cliché "waiting for the other shoe to drop has negative connotation. I would like it to be noted that I do use that phrase negatively, I do not see it as foreboding...it is simply a term that I use when I am waiting for something to happen, when I am expectant.)
For a couple of weeks not I have had a feeling of anticipation, anxiety, restlessness and expectation. As though there were events in motion that hadn't yet been played out.
I'm trying to focus on when this sensation started. I know it was there when I came back from England. And I think it might even have been there while I was in England. I thought it might have been the trip to England that had thrown me off, but I'm thinking now that the feeling of unbalance that I felt in England, wasn't due to the trip, it was this path that had begun and had been weighing on me.
The events that I believe are starting to play out have involved me, some directly, some indirectly and not all of the events themselves were directly related. But there were a number of 'climaxes' last night (Friday, June 10).
I'm looking inside myself to see if there is any more of those feeligs, any more of the waiting sensation. I feel more relaxed than I have in a while. It's as though I had been waiting for a train. I wasn't upset about being late, I was simply impatient because the train was taking so long to arrive. Now I feel like I'm on the train, but it's taking it's sweet time as well. I do not feel excited or fearful of where the journey is supposed to end...but just impatient...expectant. I know there are lessons here that have been learned and some that are still processing.
I'm impressed with my awareness of the events unrelated to me. I can honestly say that I knew something was going to happen. The major storyline last night did not involve me until it came crashing down, and yet I'm quite sure that much of the anticipatory tension was due in part to this scenario.
The heat and humidity are still fierce in Toronto right now. It would have been much more poetic if the sky's had opened up with thunder and lightening and floods of rain came pouring down to break the external tension. However, it helps me to remember that there is a continuance to this. That the stories may seem to have played out last night but none of them are over. The direction and the mood might have changed but they're simply moving differently, they haven't actually stopped.
I have learned how to ask for things I want, and to be true to myself about what I actually want, and allow myself to have it and not feel bad about wanting it, asking for it or getting it.
I am learning patience. This is very hard for me and it will be a much longer process, if I ever completely learn.
I am also learning to trust myself, my instincts, my thoughts. I do trust them to some extent as I have been talking about the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop sensation that I've been experiencing, to others, for a couple of weeks. I trusted the feeling and expressed it. I need to keep being aware of myself and listen closely to myself and through this I will learn more about how outside things are affecting me and why they are affecting me.
As time goes on I am becoming more and more of a fatalist, and yet (completely contradictory here) I believe at the same time we have the power to shape our own destinies.
Everything happens for a reason (fate) but we make the decisions and choices to have the events play out in a way that will best suit the way we need things to play out at that moment (personal power).
I talk a lot about being passive agressive and I believe that is a great way to describe the whole human race.
We have more control, more power, more intuition about ourselves and our destinies than most of us care to admit, even those who know this can't always see the whole picture. Our actions and reactions on every level shape our lives and take us on our personal journeys, manipulating the path around us, and sometimes the journeys of others, to get us or try to get us to where we are going next.
Wow...where the hell is my head this morning (Saturday @ 8:30am)? I do feel better.
For a couple of weeks not I have had a feeling of anticipation, anxiety, restlessness and expectation. As though there were events in motion that hadn't yet been played out.
I'm trying to focus on when this sensation started. I know it was there when I came back from England. And I think it might even have been there while I was in England. I thought it might have been the trip to England that had thrown me off, but I'm thinking now that the feeling of unbalance that I felt in England, wasn't due to the trip, it was this path that had begun and had been weighing on me.
The events that I believe are starting to play out have involved me, some directly, some indirectly and not all of the events themselves were directly related. But there were a number of 'climaxes' last night (Friday, June 10).
I'm looking inside myself to see if there is any more of those feeligs, any more of the waiting sensation. I feel more relaxed than I have in a while. It's as though I had been waiting for a train. I wasn't upset about being late, I was simply impatient because the train was taking so long to arrive. Now I feel like I'm on the train, but it's taking it's sweet time as well. I do not feel excited or fearful of where the journey is supposed to end...but just impatient...expectant. I know there are lessons here that have been learned and some that are still processing.
I'm impressed with my awareness of the events unrelated to me. I can honestly say that I knew something was going to happen. The major storyline last night did not involve me until it came crashing down, and yet I'm quite sure that much of the anticipatory tension was due in part to this scenario.
The heat and humidity are still fierce in Toronto right now. It would have been much more poetic if the sky's had opened up with thunder and lightening and floods of rain came pouring down to break the external tension. However, it helps me to remember that there is a continuance to this. That the stories may seem to have played out last night but none of them are over. The direction and the mood might have changed but they're simply moving differently, they haven't actually stopped.
I have learned how to ask for things I want, and to be true to myself about what I actually want, and allow myself to have it and not feel bad about wanting it, asking for it or getting it.
I am learning patience. This is very hard for me and it will be a much longer process, if I ever completely learn.
I am also learning to trust myself, my instincts, my thoughts. I do trust them to some extent as I have been talking about the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop sensation that I've been experiencing, to others, for a couple of weeks. I trusted the feeling and expressed it. I need to keep being aware of myself and listen closely to myself and through this I will learn more about how outside things are affecting me and why they are affecting me.
As time goes on I am becoming more and more of a fatalist, and yet (completely contradictory here) I believe at the same time we have the power to shape our own destinies.
Everything happens for a reason (fate) but we make the decisions and choices to have the events play out in a way that will best suit the way we need things to play out at that moment (personal power).
I talk a lot about being passive agressive and I believe that is a great way to describe the whole human race.
We have more control, more power, more intuition about ourselves and our destinies than most of us care to admit, even those who know this can't always see the whole picture. Our actions and reactions on every level shape our lives and take us on our personal journeys, manipulating the path around us, and sometimes the journeys of others, to get us or try to get us to where we are going next.
Wow...where the hell is my head this morning (Saturday @ 8:30am)? I do feel better.
posted by PrincessDoubt @ 3:30 p.m.
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