Cheating

How is it, when one thing in your life is going in one direction, that everything else around you seems to follow suit?

Growing up I had no other Libras in my life and then last year it seemed that everyone popping out of the woodwork was a Libra. Were Libras always there and I just wasn't seeing them or was it a topic that wasn't discussed.

Or last Spring, I was dating someone with a name which, although not odd or unusual, was not very common, and yet it appeared everywhere, all the time. Again was I tuned into that name and became more aware?

So now...cheating. It doesn't directly affect me, because, hey, single...so no worries for me. However, all around me directly and indirectly, there is tons of cheating going on, both actual and idealogical. It is me? Am I putting it out there? Yup, that is the most self-centered, self-involved question, EVER!

No seriously, I'm guessing that it has always been there, only now the cheating is a part of the 2,000 bits of information that I am choosing to process.

I'm also hoping that maybe I'm upgrading my learning process. I've always been a do or die, learn from my own mistakes, touch the stove to know it's hot, kinda girl. But maybe the universe thinks I'm ready. Maybe it knows there's a lesson that it wants to make sure I've learnt and it has given all this to me to observe, make notes and learn. Something that I don't have to experience to learn.

But I have done it. I have learned. I cheated once.

A long time ago. It was dumb, there was no reason for it. There was no lead up, there was no excitement. There was no love, there was just stupidity. And after it happened I felt awful, and guilty, and then I felt numb.

I got found out shortly after it happened. And the pain I felt when I got to see the pain he felt was awful. The betrayal, the hurt, the loss. And I begged, and pleaded, and apologized and it was nothing...I swear. And I knew that I never wanted to hurt anyone like this ever again. And I knew there was nothing I could do.

But if it was nothing, why did I destroy a relationship for it? Why did I cause someone else so much pain for my actions?

I was young. I was stupid. I was mean. I have no excuse. I was wrong.

No one deserves to be hurt like that.

That was 12 years ago, and I cannot change the past, and it may be an old memory that lies forgotten. But Dave, I am still very sorry.

Upon meeting someone new

More often than not when I meet someone new, no matter what the circumstances, if I feel a slight connection, I immediately feel as though a serious bond has been created and I instantly become attached. I do this with both men and women, whether physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. Most people get this same feeling and think, cool…let’s see what all this is about and then take the time to get to know that person. I dive right in, with the feeling that this meeting was fated and I need to get and give as much as I possibly can, as fast as I can. I fear that whatever this connection is, it might disappear, might not be real. I don’t trust this fate that I appear to believe in so strongly. If I did, I would trust that whatever is supposed to become of each relationship will occur. That every good thing and great moment will happen, if I just take a second and allow it to happen. I know what my mistakes are. I know what the problems are. I have to want to make the changes to receive different results. If you keep swinging at the ball the same way, it will always go in the same direction until you change your grip or your stance (or both). I will never get the different results that I want until I do something about it.

So do I need to change the way I interact with people? Do I need to change parts of who I am? Or am I going to trust in this so called ‘fate’, this universe in which we live, and myself? Trust that this is who I am and that in trusting in all of that and in who I am, that I will….wow…I will what? I wanted to finish that sentence…but I’m not sure exactly what I want to finish with…

That I will get ‘what I want’? If there is something that I want, it is my responsibility to myself to go after it. Not trying is my own fault of not getting.

That I will get “what I need’? I already have everything that I ‘need’. And then I realize that most of what I think I ‘need’ are all really just emotional wants. So either go after them, or reconsider where it is I am placing the importance of these ‘needs’ in my life.

That I will ‘be happy’? I am. There is no ifs, ands or buts about it. I say it and I mean it. I look at what I think I need or want and realize that neither are worrisome, nor need to be dwelt on, because I am happy now at this time and in this place.
I would like to begin trusting more, the world around me, and the people in it. And mostly I have to keep trusting myself and remembering to love myself. Without that, nothing else matters.

Friday afternoon...you make your bed, you lie in it

It's late Friday afternoon and it's a good thing that I didn't get knackered last night. Yesterday I did a whole lot of nutin' at the the office. It was slow and I couldn't be bothered to do anything...how naughty am I? I knew today would be another slow day (can you say counting my chickens...?) and that I could get the piddly little things done and start on my filing. Yes, I totally intended to. I even wrote in my to do list last night before bed.

Well, it's always the unplanned things that ruin perfectly good filing days (yes, I realize I could be working on the filing right now instead of typing...but that's more of an early afternoon job, not a last thing in the day job). Nothing was a major task or difficult to do, but filled up my day just enough that filing wasn't possible. Now it will have to wait until next week...BUT...it will HAVE to be done next week as I leave on Friday and I don't want to come back to all that crap, that would ruin the time off on holiday.

Tonight I'm having a post house-warming party ie. a party to finish off the leftover booze from the housewarming party...and the party has already started. Probably not the smartest thing in the world, but my fingers are warmer. I'm pooped and sorta just want to go home and hang out in bed...unfortunately that activity is much more enjoyable when there's a nice warm body in there sharing the hanging out with you. I wonder if my house guests can be prompted to leave me one of the gorgeous hot bodies and then take off :) That would be sweet.

Okay...gotta stop thinking about that... ;)

And the market is closed...4pm...and the week is over.

And what's the rest of the weekend supposed to consist of...? Getting my fill of hockey tomorrow morning at 10am when Canada plays...yippee. What a marvellous way to spend a rainy Saturday hangover morning...lying on the sofa...hmmmm? pullout couch? in my jammies watching hockey and eating...hmmm? what should I eat? Do I have any junk? After eights dipped in whipped cream...Yummy! Actually, that whipped cream should -probably- be thrown out. Maybe I'll run down to the Mickey Dees....mmmmm McGriddles and breakfast burrito. YES! What a lovely morning...the only way it could be made better is for some after the first quarter fun...but, that's the problem with the single life. Oh well...

Afternoon...well if the weather is nice...a walk to the waterfront is very much in order. However, if it's raining, as is forecast...then more time spent lounging until around 2 and then a shower would be well deserved...an extra lOoooooooooooooooong shower ;) After that, the girls come over for the first visit of the abode...and then off to El's to watch "What the Bleep do we know" and a round table discussion...Sunday...Up nice and early, to go online and get Lord of the Rings: The Musical tickets which are going on sale at 9am...it will eat up a little space on my credit cards (space reserved for England)...but necessary. Then off to Poppa's where I'll meet up with Mom & Ph and have breakfast and then hang out with Poppa until the afternoon, back home for a 3 hour finale of Survivor.

Not a CRAZY weekend...but it will be loads of fun. Looking forward to it.

Giddyap!

Have a great weekend! I know I will.

And now for something completely different...

...well not really, just more of my mid-day rambling. I've caught up on work...which means I've caught up on everything urgent. But I haven't followed up on any of the non-urgent pending issues, done any filing, or been 'pro-active' in any sense of the word. Yes, I'm still procrastinating about doing my filing. I -really- don't want to do it.

Anyways...(gawd I love that word...), speaking of words I love, I've got to stop overusing some words...no Nerds...there are still words that I will overuse...but the ones I think I need to start working on using less (no I'll never get rid of any words)...are sketchy, actually, anyways, hmmmm? I can't think of any other's at the moment. I'll put more down here as I think of them.

I should also consider getting rid of the "..." but I love the dot dot dots! They're great for the movement of my thoughts.

Well, I've signed up for the Tantra Level 1 course and I'm looking forward to it. I had wanted to do the 4 day weekend retreat but it was twice the cost of the regular course. Pros - it was 4 days, on a weekend, out of the city. But it might be quite intense all at the same time like that, I think I need more time to download the information and the cost was too much for me to consider. However, it is offered broken down on Thursday nights throughout the summer. The downside to this, the only downside was the Thursday night thing. I love Thursday nights in the city, out with the office crew partying it up. Very social...BUT...I realize that if I want to do this course I'm going to have to sacrifice something...either my social Thursday nights or money. Thursday nights it is :) I got a lot out of the intro course and am looking forward to the Level 1.

My trip to England is quickly approaching. I leave the office next Wednesday at noon, but the plane doesn't take off until 4pm. I've got some loose structure as to what I'm going to do that week...but nothing really set in stone yet. I'm not overly excited...but I know it's going to be a blast and it'll be great to have a holiday.

Wow...I'm hungry. We're getting pizza for lunch at the office today and I need food now. I've stopped having my morning banana (due to sheer laziness)...and I think it's affecting my energy level. I guess it's back to the banana again (sing that to the tune of Back in the Saddle by Aerosmith).

It appears that it might be a long slow day today...so I might just post again later. You know...make up for the past 6 days of leaving you in the dark.

Almost a week...and now a random memory...

....and what a busy girl I've been.

I've been meaning to write. Every night I settle down with pen to paper, and every night I draw a blank. I try to force words out and none of it feels real and then I pass out mid-sentence.

Just now as I was writing this a vivid image flashed through my mind. One I haven't thought about in a very long time. This image felt very real, so guess what, you're going to hear about it ;)

It was a restaurant at the Pinecrest Mall in the 1980s. (I hope I'm getting the memory right re: it might have been a different location). I can't remember what it was called, but I'm going to call my mom today and run this image by her. It had a big glass atrium on the front and we used to go for buffet brunchin the spring time. For some reason I think the furniture was wicker or bamboo or something. There were floral patterns on either the seat cushions or the table cloths, or there were just a lot of flowers. It was very sunny. There wasn't a lot of room between tables. My sister was there.

I don't know where the image or the memory came from, but it was very vivid. Came seemingly out of nowhere.

I remember walking between the atrium area and the darkness of the restaurant, alongside the bar and/or the buffet table. I feel like I've been there more than once. I'm guessing I was quite young, as the memory feels very old and is difficult getting more from my archives.

It feels happy.

Learning....

....it can be a long and often painful pain, this learning thing. But it also becomes easier...the pain is still there, but it's quicker and faster and the growing comes out of it a lot faster.

It's not easy, and it really is something we have to do on our own. People can tell what is right and wrong and even though deep down we know it ourselves, we have to realize it completely for ourselves, otherwise the lesson is never really learnt.

And yet, through all of it, we do feel better.

I knew at the beginning what would come out at the end. Deep down. But I couldn't get to the end without getting there by myself. We use the tools we're given, and sometimes the tools are broken, or hard to handle, but we pick them up, and we struggle to use them, but we finish, on our own and we get it, on our own.

It hurts...it really does, but I knew where it would end. And this time I made the choice, consciously and decisively, and that helps with the pain.

I've got a friend in me. I just have to trust that. Because I'll be there.

Tantra

Good day! :)

Well, I am all smiles today. Last night I went to an Introduction to Tantric Sex workshop. What an evening.

I went into the workshop knowing just a little about Tantra and Tantric sex. I knew that it wasn't all about sex but more about a holistic approach to sex (I thought of it like Yoga Sex). The people think of tantric sex as kinky or hardcore...are usually the same people that think that Yoga is just crazy positions and stretching.

I was a little apprehensive, nervous, excited, and even a little cynical which I very seldom am (cynical that is) going into the evening.

And I came out of the evening relaxed, revived, happy, positive, at peace, and a little questioning...which makes me still a little cynical ;) But I'm okay with that too...We were asked to write down at least three things that we got out of the evening to help us remember the feelings we felt and the thoughts we had. The post below is just that. I wasn't going to post them here, but hey, I post everything here, so I might as well.

Funny enough, my Love post from the other day made last night's thoughts and feelings rather interesting.

What I left with...

- I -have- been in love, I am always in love. When I meet someone immediately I open my heart to them and give them all the love that I have. This is me falling in love, every time. However, I am only allowing myself to love the other person, but I am not accepting the love from them in return. Worse, I do not allow them to love me. This is something I aim to look at further, but I am guessing that this is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time in relationships. I push others away while clinging to them, and it just don't work.

- There is a little bit of the divine in everyone. I need to remember to take a moment and look, and if I take that time, not only will it make the other person feel wonderful, it will also make me feel good too.

- Love is much more simple than I allow it to be, and it is inside of me and I can continue to just let it out.

- I can take a moment and let someone else love me and worship me and take care of me. I just need to let them.

- I can be serious, and quiet, and at peace, and happy, all at once over a long period of time without needing to talk or sing or be the centre of attention. If I need attention, I should give it to myself and allow others to give it when they are ready instead of trying to take it from them.

- In order to find love, I have to give other people the chance to love me, let other people make an effort, let other people do their share, and in order to do this I need to TRUST the other person and trust their feelings for me and trust their part in our relationship. I have to try and let others meet me halfway.

- I am in control of my life and my energy and I chose what I use that energy for and how I use it and whether or not I use it at all.

Mistakes & Lies

So I made a mistake.

I was supposed to do something, a very simple task. Drop off a cheque, not difficult. Only it HAD to be done that day. And I went to do it, but the line up was so long and the person I was with didn't want to wait. That's okay, I could leave the office early and do it then. And there it sat on my desk. "Are you going to deposit that?" he asked. "Yes, I'm going to leave early and take care of it with lots of time to spare." Good, no worries.

And then there was champagne, and there were toasts, and there was tipsy. And the cheque got forgotten.

The next morning I came in late...a planned late, everyone was aware of the late. Lots to do, rush, rush, rush and I fipped the pages of my day book and there's the cheque and....

...blurp...

Yup, I threw up just a little, and just in my mouth. My stomach went into knots. I had fucked up! It HAD to be done yesterday...there would be consequences. And he was grumpy. I can fix it, I know I can and I won't have to tell him. And although forgetting was the first mistake, this idea was the BIG mistake.

The ball starts rolling, with a simple delete of information, half truths start, and the covering up and then the out right lies. I'm sure heknows, but it's too late now, because now I'm like a little kid and no matter what I do at this point is going to get me in trouble.

The cheque was deposited, but it was done late and there will be reprecussions and there will be questions. Why didn't I tell him right away? Because I'm a very scared little kid and I'm an immature child who can't admite that she messed up for fear of reprisal, when what I've done since has made everything worse. All because -I-, of all people, chose not to say anything.

Oh stress, oh guilt, oh Why?

Because I know that I know better...

Nothing I can do now but continue the silence. He'll find out and he'll be pissed.

Let's hope he's not grumpy that day.

Love

I fall in love with love.

I fall in love with ideas. I fall in love with fate. I fall in love with who I think a person is. I fall in love with time. I fall in love with who I think the person can be. I fall in love with what I see as -us-. I fall in love with thoughts. I fall in love with feelings. I fall in love with moments. I fall in love with stories. I fall in love with dreams.

I fall in love with love...

...but I never fall in love.

Drunk

(note: written at 2am on Saturday night...after drinking...)

- when you say and/or do somthing and the reaction you get you don't understand and then you later realize how what was said and/or done could've been taken wrong.

- when riding a quiet streetcar @ 1:30am is the funniest thing

- when calling up any of your ex's seems like a brilliant idea

- when everyone seems attractive, even the guy that creeped you out when you walked in

- when picking up the tab for 50 of your closest friends, most of whom you've met that night, seems like a good idea

- when drinking a glass of water is the best idea in the world

- when drinking a glass of water is the hardest thing to do

- when remembering where you live is hard to remember

- when friends of the opposite sex seem like a good idea

- when reasoning with yourself in the bathroom mirror helps you make decisions.

- when "I'm not drunk...Really!" seems honest.

- when 12 tequila shooters just doesn't seem like enough

- when that one drink you'll never touch seems like a good idea

- when that one person you'd never touch seems like a good idea

- when the person pouring the drinks is the most fascinating person in the bar

- when street meat sounds like a good idea

- when closing your eyes is all you want to do

- when closing your eyes is the only thing you can't do